Saturday, November 21, 2015

Ironman Arizona Blog #1: It *DOES* Rain in Arizona

I typically don't like to speak for other people, but I feel fairly confident that I can summarize a common sentiment about Ironman Arizona held by most (if not all) of the participants and spectators:

Weather websites and local Tempe meteorologists, please--in the most deeply, meaningful, and passionate way, from the bottom of our collective hearts--go royally fuck yourselves.

  • "It never rains in Arizona" they said.
  • "Oh look, we have a slight chance of rain in the afternoon" they said.
  • "Oh, huh, would you look at that?  We have a slight chance of rain in the morning and night" they said.
  • "Oh, never mind, it isn't even going to rain" they said.
  • "Never mind the never mind, we might have a brief passing shower" they said.

THEY can shut it.  No one mentioned that there would be a Noah-esque storm, or that people should bring bikes, two-by-two, to a TriBike Transport semi for safe passage: We already have two Cervelos...you're out of luck!

***


Anyway, I would like to offer my feelings about doing an Ironman in a monsoon via Tokio Hotel's Monsoon. Feel free to play the video along with the new and improved lyrics below:


I'm staring at a gigantic puddle
There's no asphalt left here anymore
My body is cold
It's making me insane

I've been riding in soggy shorts
But now the moment seems to've come
My wang is chafed and the dark clouds coming up again

Biking through the monsoon,
My brakes don't work,
Can't make the turn,
My bones are cold,
Hating this crap,
I can't see shit,
And when I lose my temper I think of beating-the-shit-out-of-everyone-on-the-racecourse. 
Together we'll be biking somewhere new.
Through the monsoon.
Just me and two-thousand-others.

Biking in a torrential downpour takes my sight,
I see your rear tire and jump in fright.
But now I'm drafting and need to drop back five bike-lengths.

I know I need to find an aid station,
Can hear GATORADE, but don't slow down,
My brakes are shot and I almost killed some chick.

Biking through the monsoon,
My brakes don't work,
Can't make the turn,
My bones are cold,
Hating this crap,
I can't see shit,
And when I lose my temper I think of beating-the-shit-out-of-everyone-on-the-racecourse. 
Together we'll be biking somewhere new.
And nothing can hold me back from crashing into things I can't see.
Through the monsoon.

Hey!

Oh-oh-ohhhh

I can't see!

Oh-oh-ohhhh

I'm fighting with my Garmin,
I think it shorted out.
Whoever said it doesn't rain in 'Zona,
Can shut the F up.

I'll be warmer soon.
Just me and two thousand others.
We'll be there soon.
So soon (maybe just four or five more hours of this shit).

Biking through the monsoon,
My brakes don't work,
Can't make the turn,
My bones are cold,
Hating this crap,
I can't see shit,
And when I lose my temper I think of beating-the-shit-out-of-everyone-on-the-racecourse. 
Together we'll be biking somewhere new.
And nothing can hold me back from crashing into things I can't see.
Through the monsoon.

Through the monsoon.
Just me and two thousand others.
Through the monsoon.
Just me and two thousand others.

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