Friday, June 28, 2013

#3: A Woman's Bathroom is a Mysterious Place

In 2012, I wrote a series of tongue-in-cheek blogs about being left alone (and hexed) by the then-girlfriend/now-wife.  I covered the essentials: starvation, rabid dogs, getting pee on my hands, and in this fourth installment...I ventured into showering.

Insider fact: Although I posted a series of four blogs on this topic...I actually created (and did not post) a fifth blog.  Here is a snippet from that never-before-seen post entitled


My Girlfriend Left Town -- Day 5: Man Date

...That's right!  Mother F'in R to the E D Lobster.  And who was I meeting?  Here are some clues.


He's wild.

He's crazy.

He sometimes stays up past 10:00 PM on a school night!

That's right...the "man" who is tagged in everyone of my blogs...Darron!

First of all, Red Lobster was going off, son! If was Lobster Fest, so you know that meant the 80-year old honeys were EVERYWHERE!  We gorged ourselves on Cheddar Bay Biscuits...and we even ordered an appetizer.  There was no stopping us.

You might wonder what stops me from posting some blogs...I do.  Well, something tells me they are TOO over the top or boring or just generally lame.  You can tell I have a wonderful knack for this considering the shit I do post.

Anyway...

Coming in at #3....Click Here --> It's that time my girlfriend left town...and I compared our bathrooms.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

#4: Mr. and Mr. Fingers

No real Top Ten Blog list would be complete without paying some sort of tribute to my original creative partner in crime.  He's tagged in almost every post; he FORCED me to start blogging in the first place; and I have seen him naked thousands upon thousands of times...and not once have I been impressed.

Of course...I'm talking about Darron "Can I Pee On Your Jellyfish Sting" E. (It's a family name).

Back in 2005, Darron and I, fresh off of our Yahoo Instant Messaging Championship and fifteen minutes of fame...decided to branch out into the world of campy video production.  I don't remember exactly how we came up with the idea of our fingers being the star of poorly-produced, social commentary (maybe it was during our three-day water fast)...but I do know the few videos we created were absolutely awful.  Yet funny.

The premise? Mr. and Mr. Fingers were sexually-ambiguous fingers living inside the belt on the floor of my living room.  This, obviously, makes complete sense.

The gimmick?  They never both faced the camera at the same time...in essence, becoming interchangeable with one another.  Subsequently, no one could tell them apart, not visually nor by name.  Not even their girlfriends or other characters on the show could tell the difference.

Pure comedic gold.

Well...we never created any episodes.  We did create two interviews with the worst sound quality IN THE WORLD...and, coming in at #4...we created a theme song and opening montage.

If it's the first time you are hearing about Mr. and Mr. Fingers or the tenth time...they are real.  We really did create this video.  And the watch, and the dancing, and the off-tune singing, and the misspelled words were all on purpose.

Sad.  So sad.  Funny.  Yet sad.

Click Here --> Mr. and Mr. Fingers Theme Song

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

#5: Massage Issues

Top Ten Blog continues...

I don't like when people "touch me;" it's true. I have a rather large "no fly zone" when it comes to my body.  Some people deem this neurotic.  Others erotic.  I just call it blog material.

Over the years, I have written about my numerous problems...getting pummeled by a So Relax guy during one massage...having another dude repeating a mantra of "give your neck to me, Mark" during another.  I even told a masseuse one time NOT to massage my chest...and she REFUSED and said she HAD TO!  WTF, indeed.  

It has been one comedy of errors after another, but all massage stories to be told at other times.  Although funny, not Top Ten material (maybe I should just have a Top Ten Massage Blogs?)

My massage issues "culminated" (huh huh) in 2011 when Tauni and I went into one of those blinky-light places to get a message.  Why did we do this?  Who knows...but it was Tauni's idea.  She likes to F with me.

Did it go well?  

What happened?

Monday, June 24, 2013

#6: That Time A Girl Pooped on My Leg

Continuing on with the Top Ten Blog countdown...

One of the cornerstones of my blog over the years has been the retelling of my odd daily interactions with people...often times unbelievable. Always true.  Usually embarrassing (for me).

One of the best examples of this has to be the time I was in a waiting room with:

  • a little girl, 
  • her non-English speaking grandma, and 
  • a pile of poop (eventually).  On my leg.

This little girl (who pooped on me) decided that my name was Bamboo Chickie Lacka...why?  I'll never know.

So, coming in at #6 (meaning there are five blogs better than getting pooped on) from back in 2008, and CLEARLY a Top Ten Blog:

Saturday, June 22, 2013

#7: The Ironman That Wasn't Then Was

Continuing the Top Ten Blogs...

It's the one year anniversary of Ironman Coeur d'Alene...so it makes sense (to me) that #7 is about that race.  What did I learn from it? Mostly how to spell Coeur d'Alene.  It's a hard word to spell!

But before that race even happened...I also wrote about about Ironman New Zealand.  The race I trained for, flew to New Zealand for, and then didn't do (for).  That's called parallelism, bitches.  Look it up.

Anyway, coming in at a tie for #7:

Click here --> How I felt about Ironman New Zealand being cancelled

and

Click here --> My third (and final) blog about finishing Ironman Coeur d'Alene.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

#8: The Foils

Still counting down the top ten blogs of all time...and at number 8, we have a tie between my two favorite foils.

First: Mark S. Manasse.

If you are new to this blog, you might not know about/understand the references to Mark S. Manasse, who became the butt of a long-running joke on my blog years ago.

Either a very, very good sport or way too important to acknowledge my online-pseudo-antagonising-BS, Mark S. Manasse hasn't contacted much over the years.  In fact, we have only ever had one direct correspondence.  A little known fact is that I indeed did directly email Mark S. one time many, many years ago (late 90s, I believe) to let him know we had similar names (I'm not a stalker at all)...and he politely emailed me back...basically saying "that's cool, creeper." Ha!

Mark S. is famous for a number of reasons, by the way.  He was a part of a band that was the first to broadcast live on the internet, he is a Microsoft bigwig, and he happens to be very similarly-named and similarly-looking to me! 

In 2009, I pretended to challenge him to a duel over Google search-term-dominance...luckily, he ignored my dumbass-antics.  Like I said...he's smart.  Smarter than I am, that's for sure.  

My other infamous foil is, of course, the one, the only, Eva Longoria.

Before Liam Neeson.  Before Miley Cyrus.  Eva Longoria was the original target of my fake-online war.

In this blog from 2008, I tried to explain why I pretended to feel the way I was pretending to feel.  Little did I know I was not alone!  I got message after message after message from people from around the world who felt the same way I was pretending to feel...except it seemed like they meant it!  Ha!  

So, coming in at a tie for number 8, my favorite blogs about Mark S. Manasse and Eva Longoria.  


Monday, June 17, 2013

#9: That Time My Dog Was Addicted to Drugs

Still counting down the top ten blogs of all time.

I have written numerous blogs about my dogs over the years.  About them outsmarting me (not tough to do).  About them pooping more than me (that is tough to do).  About them sitting or farting on my face (I don't recommend this in any sexually-deviant circles).

But this blog about one of my dogs, Maggie, has always stood out in my mind from all the rest as one of the funniest things I have ever seen a dog do....let alone MY dog.

No, Maggie didn't really do crack.  And, yes, the references to cocaine in the blog are SARCASTIC...but my dog did have a serious issue with Sports Beans...and was literally hiding this problem from us...all around the house.

So, coming in at #9, way back from 2008, my favorite dog blog (click here -->): Maggie the pug is addicted to Sports Beans.

Friday, June 14, 2013

#10: That Time I Almost Died Before My First Marathon

If you can believe it, I have been blogging since 2005.  Eight years.  Eight, long, arduous years.  Also, according to Blogger, this is my 354th blog.  I'm not sure I believe Blogger, though...because of that whole PRISM thing...but...I don't need to get into that right now.

Over the course of the next few weeks, or months (however long it takes me...STOP PRESSURING ME!), I am going to post my top ten favorite blogs.

So...here is number 10.  Back on June 14th, 2006, I wrote about my first endurance race (marathon)...and how I literally almost died from a peanut allergy on race day.

This blog got a lot of attention, mostly because when people Googled expired Benadryl, my blog came up as one of the top hits for awhile. I don't think it does anymore.  This led to one of two reactions from some people who found it (and I'm not joking):

(1) "I was searching for expired Benadryl and I found your blog.  Hilarious!"

or

(2)  "I was searching for expired Benadryl and I found your blog.  You're such an asshole for posting this when it has nothing to do with what I need to know!"

Anyway, I have come a long way (pun intended) with endurance sports...so it is also funny to read about what I thought about before/during/after my first race.

Enjoy!

Click here --> That Time I Almost Died Before My First Marathon

Friday, June 07, 2013

Prostate Two: Electric Boogaloo

One of the hallmarks of being a human being is that we have the capacity to learn.  For example, if I touch a hot stove and burn my penis, I probably will not stick my donut cooker on the stove again.  That type of thing.

Keeping that rather disturbing thought in mind, my recent run in with a medicine-induced enlarged prostate was really a blessing in disguise.  Actually, more like a really bloated, painful wolf (who won't let me pee) in sheep's clothing type disguise.

Anyway, because of this mishap, I got to educate hundreds of men about the perils of cold medicines.  I mean, who knew that an attempt to stop sniffling, sneezing, coughing, and aching would turn into growing, swelling, throbbing, and dripping? Don't let this happen to you, my brothers!

Secondly, this event led me to remember one of the most ridiculous moments of my life.  And when something ridiculous happens...I love to write about it.

So, with no further delays, here's my story about that time I hurt my back and the doctor thought it would be a good idea to check my prostate about it.  Yeah.  That's right.

***

As you'll recall, a few weeks ago, I got really sick.  Took a bunch of medicine.  And ended up not being able to pee.  Well, that cold didn't go away....and as my prostate returned to normal size, my sinuses got worse.  It got so bad that I eventually went to the doctor.

While at the doctor, I had the following conversation after we discussed my cold:

Me: Doctor, can I ask you a hypothetical question?

Doctor: Sure!

Me:  Now, don't write this down...

Doctor: OOOOOooook?

Me: But let's say, and we're just talking here, but let's say that I took a bunch of cold medicine and I couldn't pee for a day.

Doctor: What?

Me:  Hypothetically, let's say I enlarged my prostate from a bunch of cold medicine.

Doctor: Go on....

Me: Should I be worried that this is some sort of...you know...warning sign that I already have an enlarged prostate and this just exasperated that problem?

Doctor:  Can you pee now?

Me:  Hypothetically?

Doctor:  Sure.  Hypothetically.

Me:  Like a champ.

Doctor:  You're too young to probably worry about something like this...but...I can always give you an exam.

***

And now...before I let you know what I said, let's flash back to about 1996 when I hurt my back playing basketball.  I was 21.  I'm in a doctor's office, waiting for the doctor to get into the examination room.  I'm looking around, and I see some gloves and some K-Y.  I actually think to myself, and this is a DIRECT quote that I actually remember thinking 17 years ago, "Those poor f'ing bastards who have to have *THAT* done to them.  Uhhhhh."  A few minutes later, that doctor walks into the room, and we have this conversation (again, in 1996).  It's been a few years, so give me some liberty here:

Doctor:  What seems to be the problem?

Me: I hurt my back playing basketball.

*Gives me a brief exam.*

Doctor: Any radiating pain?  Like down your legs.

Me: Yes.

Doctor:  Really?

Me:  Yes.  I can definitely feel it down my legs.

Doctor:  OK.  What school do you go to again?

Me: CAL.

And then...and I don't know where HE went to school to learn this artistry...but he slipped the most embarrassing request I had ever gotten in my life (to that point) right into the middle of our conversation.

Doctor:  Oh.  No way!  My daughter goes there. I'm-going-to-need-you-to-take-off-your-pants-and-underwear-and-turn-around.  She loves it.  Where do you live?  On campus?  *He starts reaching for the gloves*

Me: *Totally ignore the request*  Yeah.  I live right across the street.

Doctor: She is always going to Telegraph.  Did-you-hear-me?-Take-off-your-pants-and-turn-around.  She loves the bar scene.

Me: *Totally ignore the request* Yeah.  I go down there about once-a-week.

Doctor: Soooooo....*He starts reaching for the K-Y*

Me: *Give in to request.  Pants off.  Turned around.*

Doctor: She studies biology, and she totally loves it. *Inserts hand into ass and is feeling around*  She it thinking about going to med school.  What do you study? *Still feeling around*

Me: gdfslkajsdhlausdh

Doctor:  Oh!  English!  That's great! *Removes hand from ass.*  Well...you're fine.  Just rest up for a couple of weeks.

We never saw each other again.  Ha.

***

ALL of that memory flashed back into my mind a few weeks ago with my current doctor in 2013.

Again, she had just said: You're too young to probably worry about something like this...but...I can always give you an exam.

Me: NO.  NO-NO-NO-NO.  NOOOOOOOOOOO THANK YOU!  We're just talking here.

Doctor:  OK...well, if you have any more hypothetical issues, just come back in, and I can check.

Me:  Thanks!

***

I know in a few years, I'm going to need to do this regularly.  But until then...I'll just stay off the cold medicine.