Friday, June 07, 2013

Prostate Two: Electric Boogaloo

One of the hallmarks of being a human being is that we have the capacity to learn.  For example, if I touch a hot stove and burn my penis, I probably will not stick my donut cooker on the stove again.  That type of thing.

Keeping that rather disturbing thought in mind, my recent run in with a medicine-induced enlarged prostate was really a blessing in disguise.  Actually, more like a really bloated, painful wolf (who won't let me pee) in sheep's clothing type disguise.

Anyway, because of this mishap, I got to educate hundreds of men about the perils of cold medicines.  I mean, who knew that an attempt to stop sniffling, sneezing, coughing, and aching would turn into growing, swelling, throbbing, and dripping? Don't let this happen to you, my brothers!

Secondly, this event led me to remember one of the most ridiculous moments of my life.  And when something ridiculous happens...I love to write about it.

So, with no further delays, here's my story about that time I hurt my back and the doctor thought it would be a good idea to check my prostate about it.  Yeah.  That's right.

***

As you'll recall, a few weeks ago, I got really sick.  Took a bunch of medicine.  And ended up not being able to pee.  Well, that cold didn't go away....and as my prostate returned to normal size, my sinuses got worse.  It got so bad that I eventually went to the doctor.

While at the doctor, I had the following conversation after we discussed my cold:

Me: Doctor, can I ask you a hypothetical question?

Doctor: Sure!

Me:  Now, don't write this down...

Doctor: OOOOOooook?

Me: But let's say, and we're just talking here, but let's say that I took a bunch of cold medicine and I couldn't pee for a day.

Doctor: What?

Me:  Hypothetically, let's say I enlarged my prostate from a bunch of cold medicine.

Doctor: Go on....

Me: Should I be worried that this is some sort of...you know...warning sign that I already have an enlarged prostate and this just exasperated that problem?

Doctor:  Can you pee now?

Me:  Hypothetically?

Doctor:  Sure.  Hypothetically.

Me:  Like a champ.

Doctor:  You're too young to probably worry about something like this...but...I can always give you an exam.

***

And now...before I let you know what I said, let's flash back to about 1996 when I hurt my back playing basketball.  I was 21.  I'm in a doctor's office, waiting for the doctor to get into the examination room.  I'm looking around, and I see some gloves and some K-Y.  I actually think to myself, and this is a DIRECT quote that I actually remember thinking 17 years ago, "Those poor f'ing bastards who have to have *THAT* done to them.  Uhhhhh."  A few minutes later, that doctor walks into the room, and we have this conversation (again, in 1996).  It's been a few years, so give me some liberty here:

Doctor:  What seems to be the problem?

Me: I hurt my back playing basketball.

*Gives me a brief exam.*

Doctor: Any radiating pain?  Like down your legs.

Me: Yes.

Doctor:  Really?

Me:  Yes.  I can definitely feel it down my legs.

Doctor:  OK.  What school do you go to again?

Me: CAL.

And then...and I don't know where HE went to school to learn this artistry...but he slipped the most embarrassing request I had ever gotten in my life (to that point) right into the middle of our conversation.

Doctor:  Oh.  No way!  My daughter goes there. I'm-going-to-need-you-to-take-off-your-pants-and-underwear-and-turn-around.  She loves it.  Where do you live?  On campus?  *He starts reaching for the gloves*

Me: *Totally ignore the request*  Yeah.  I live right across the street.

Doctor: She is always going to Telegraph.  Did-you-hear-me?-Take-off-your-pants-and-turn-around.  She loves the bar scene.

Me: *Totally ignore the request* Yeah.  I go down there about once-a-week.

Doctor: Soooooo....*He starts reaching for the K-Y*

Me: *Give in to request.  Pants off.  Turned around.*

Doctor: She studies biology, and she totally loves it. *Inserts hand into ass and is feeling around*  She it thinking about going to med school.  What do you study? *Still feeling around*

Me: gdfslkajsdhlausdh

Doctor:  Oh!  English!  That's great! *Removes hand from ass.*  Well...you're fine.  Just rest up for a couple of weeks.

We never saw each other again.  Ha.

***

ALL of that memory flashed back into my mind a few weeks ago with my current doctor in 2013.

Again, she had just said: You're too young to probably worry about something like this...but...I can always give you an exam.

Me: NO.  NO-NO-NO-NO.  NOOOOOOOOOOO THANK YOU!  We're just talking here.

Doctor:  OK...well, if you have any more hypothetical issues, just come back in, and I can check.

Me:  Thanks!

***

I know in a few years, I'm going to need to do this regularly.  But until then...I'll just stay off the cold medicine.


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