Tuesday, May 21, 2013

How to Get a Swollen Prostate

I like to learn things.  I think, as humans, it's just something we all like to do.  We're curious...and given the proper amount/balance of self-motivation, time, desire, effort, aptitude, self-efficacy, and guidance, we can probably do or learn just about anything.

For example, I recently learned how to make my prostate swell up so large it felt like I really, really, really had to pee at THAT moment (or my world was going to end).  The fun part about learning this...in reality, I really only had about five drops of pee to share with the world.

That's not a lot of pee.

In case you are curious, let me teach you how to be (or not be) like me.

How to Make Your Prostate Enlarge To the Point of Wanting to Piss Yourself

Step 1:  Get a really bad head cold that lingers and won't go away.  Make sure you lose your voice, cough frequently, and have a pounding headache.  If possible, make sure you have these symptoms for over a week...and whatever you do, DON'T GO TO A DOCTOR.  They will probably only help you get better...

Step 2: Have something REALLY important to do, perhaps attending a once-in-a-lifetime event, that requires public speaking and a jovial attitude.  For me, it was leading a toast at a wedding.

Step 3: Consume alcohol.  Now, probably not as much as you wanted to or planned to...but just enough so that you can create a pseudo-jovial attitude that is needed at said event from Step 2.

Step 4: Take MASSIVE amounts of cold medication and decongestants for days leading up to the event...and maybe double your intake the day of.  If you can manage to actual take some of this cold medication WITH a glass of Jack on the rocks...you are well on your way.

If you dutifully follow these steps, and you have a prostate (sorry ladies), I can almost guarantee that you'll have to say this about ten times over the course of a few hours:

"Ha.  Yes.  I love hearing stories about you and your family members' childhoods, especially since I just met you an hour ago and I will probably never see again.  Will you excuse me for a moment...I feel like I could put out a forest fire with the amount of urine that is currently collecting in my bladder."

Then off you'll run-walk (hips swaying, arms pumping, because you can't really run to the bathroom, or you'll make a complete fool of yourself) to the bathroom, nervously fumble with your zipper, and then magic time...AHHHHHHHHHH...Wait...What?  That was like three drops of pee? 

You won't notice a pattern yet...mostly because you are an idiot.

Later that night, hopefully around 3 or 4 in the morning, though, when you are woken up for the fifth time to run to the bathroom, you might think to yourself: "Self, I don't normally feel like I have to pee only not to pee but it still feels like I have to pee.  Oh shit.  I have prostate cancer!"

And for like ten minutes, you'll relive your life...and think about how you had a good run.  "Well, I did manage to trick somebody into marrying me...that's something.  And I didn't kill anyone.  That's not bad, either."

Luckily...if you're like me...you'll then go to the internet and read about how many cold medicines/decongestants have side-effects such a "enlarging the prostate and making it difficult to pee in some men."

Hey...I'm a man...that could relate to me!

So...I know I learned a valuable, valuable lesson here.  I'm not sure what it is...but I know I learned it.  Like I said...I just love learning.


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