Friday, June 29, 2012

Ironman Coeur d'Alene -- Summary, Hints, Poop -- Part 1

Thanks R for the photo!
Honestly, the thing I am most proud about after finishing my first Ironman...I fucking finally learned how to spell "Coeur d'Alene." Jesus...the French ARE assholes. They should put this city as a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune and have everybody lose. I swear, there IS a niner in there somewhere.





Anyway, if you follow this blog (and really, who doesn't), you probably are most interested in how my bowel movements went (or didn't) during the race.

So, final tally:

Poop Division
  • Pre-race: Two number twos.
  • During: NONE!!!!  BOOOO-YEAH, BABY!!!!  
  • After: Took over 24 hours to go again!  I must have scared my bowels into not working!
Pee Division
  • Pre-Race: Twice
  • During: Ten times (eeeeeeek...that slowed me down!  Never on myself [well, out of the water].  And sorry, G, I didn't go ON my bike).
  • After: Normal.
I really don't understand how I could possibly pee that much, but I did use these times as a chance to re-apply vaseline to ALL areas of my body. Yeah, I ran and biked with a tube of vaseline this race (sue me), and it really, really helped. I may just do this in my normal, everyday life...who knows when I might need vaseline at the supermarket, library, etc. Sometimes my fingers chafe when I turn pages...

Swim

The water temperature was ball crushing cold the day we got to Coeur d'Alene...so I ended up buying booties...for swimming, not for nap time.  I also brought a squid lid with me...ended up NOT swimming with the booties, but I did use the cap.

I'm not a big fan of swimming...and on a list of things I would like to do, it doesn't place very high:

Top Ten Crappy Things I Would Prefer To Do Instead of Swimming

10. Taxes
9.  Watch any movie with Jennifer Aniston in it (made after Office Space).
8.  Wear a diaper
7.  Karaoke to "I'm Too Sexy" in Hillcrest
6.  Debate about which "Real Housewives of X" is the best
5.  Pluck nipple hair
4.  Grade 
3.  Darron Evans
2.  Call soccer, "football"
1.  Darron Evans (I would really prefer this, obviously)

But this race was especially challenging because all 2,400 people (or so) have a mass start, AND, maybe more importantly, my goggles decided to BREAK about five minutes into the 2.4 mile swim!!!  I was very, very lucky this was a fresh water swim, or this might have been really, really annoying, as opposed to just really annoying.  I had some choices when this happened:

  • Punch someone
  • Punch myself
  • Punch someone and myself
  • Just keep going
I decided to just keep going.  I figured I didn't have the time to fix them in the water with everyone and his mother (hey, what a great name for a blog) crawling up my back...so every few strokes I would just push them back onto my face.

This was a two-loop swim, and we had to come out of the water between loops...so I fixed my goggles then.  I also punched someone.  Why not...

I felt like I went much faster on the second loop because (a) my goggles were working and (b) no one was swimming inside of my colon anymore...but it ended up taking me eight minutes longer!  I still don't know why....could have been that the current did kick up on the second loop.  It also could have been because I stopped to give someone directions to Montana.  Maybe a little from column A and a little from column B.

But with the swim done...my day was only just beginning...I still had the bike and run to go...and so much pee to set free!






Monday, June 04, 2012

It's a Big Dick Contest and You Might Be Invited

It really irks me that if I don't blog for a month, Lost in Mental Masturbation rockets to the top of my Most Frequently Read Blogs list.  I feel bad for the people who rush to that blog for...um...extra-curricular reasons...and find something that I presume would be hard to pleasure one's self to.  If anyone has experienced otherwise, please let me know!

***

In a non-egotistical way (?), I feel a lot more pressure with this stupid blog now.  When I first started and the only people who read it were Darron and someone looking for (mental) masturbation (usually two different people), I felt pretty at ease blogging about anything.  Now that I know I have more of a readership, I feel like it (a) stops me from blogging more often and (b) stops me from blogging unless I have something (I feel) is "profoundly" interesting or funny to discuss (insert sarcastic retort here).  Damn you, Google Analytics!

And, when I think about this more deeply (in a somewhat masturbatory fashion), this seems eerily similar to other aspects of my life where I have the innate ability to take something fun and turn it into some sort of chore...and I become some ├╝ber (God, I love that word) critic over things completely inane and harmless. HURRAY FOR BEING NEUROTIC!

***

"Reigning" Big Dick Contest Winner 










Anyway...that's not why I am here.  I am here because of this idea of anonymity (and my lack of it) that comes along with cyber-writing and how this empowers assholes to become cyber-assholes.  This phenomenon often strikes me when I read CNN articles and then look at the comments section underneath...which quickly turn into a big dick contest about who can be more vicious to their fellow reader:

Clever Reader #1: You are a conservative douchebag....

Clever Reader #2: No, no...YOU are (and my dick is way HUGE!).

Now I could understand this type of conversation on perezhilton.com or foxnews.com (snark), but this is CNN.  Doesn't that mean something? Anything?  Can't we have some sort of adult conversation somewhere that doesn't break down into mine is bigger than yours?

***

I've thought about this idea of having a cyber-persona before (my own, for example)...but it's this veil of safety people hide behind that has got me thinking.  And it seems like a two-step process, really:

Layer One: Being rude to someone NOT in person.  Hard to get your ass kicked...limited chance for confrontation when done asynchronously.

Layer Two:  Being rude to someone NOT in person and then using a pseudonym to do it!  This is an entirely deeper level of assholedom:


  • Can't get your ass kicked. Check.  
  • Don't give someone a chance to retort.  Check. 
  • AND, as an added bonus, you can even pretend NOT to have made the comment at all.  Check.  This is perfect!  

We have gone from letter, to telegram, to phone, to email, to texting, to hidden identities...removing ourselves further and further from our responsibilities as human beings to look someone else in the eye and say: LOOK, you are being an idiot, AND my dick is super, super gigantic compared to yours.

***

It's a reality.  We use an online forum to comment and judge others' actions.  To vent.  To have an audience.  I'm not above this.  I do it, too. What I don't understand is hiding behind an emoticon and calling yourself princess_6969 to do it.  If anyone is a princess around here, it is me, princess_6969...so step!

Jack Handy once said It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.  I don't know what it takes exactly to hide and be an electronic dickhead.  Not much beyond an internet connection, spellcheck, and a fifth-grade reading level, I presume.

As a society, let's all stand up and point and laugh together...not alone, in our rooms, lost while we mentally masturbate ourselves to sleep -- that still frame of Alyssa Milano from Embrace of the Vampire will be there tomorrow.   And she wouldn't like you anyway.  It's a big dick contest after all, and you weren't even allowed to enter.