Thursday, July 12, 2012

Pure Barre is a Pain in My Ass

I'm in this pic.  Can you find me?
If you've never heard of Pure Barre before you (a) have some sort of penis, (b) don't follow exercise trends, (c) cancelled your subscription to Self and/or (d) have a huge, BLACK penis.

Why can't it ever be a huge, WHITE penis?  They do exist...I've seen Boogie Nights.

Anyway, Pure Barre is an exercise class which appears to be made exclusively for women: you don't run around...you can't "win," and there are no balls involved (literally).  You just do a bunch of stretching and thrusting and gyrating.  And that shit is hard.

Now, you may be wondering why I would know about this.  I clearly (yes, clearly) have a penis...so following my logic, not only should I have never done this before...I should have never even heard of it before!

Well, my friends, I honestly believe coming down off an Ironman must be like coming off a heroine addiction.  I am clearly going through withdrawals...and I NEED exercise-like things to do!  I also have track marks all over my arms and now (yes, now) blow dudes for money.  Hey wait...maybe I really do have a heroine addiction???

So, when Tauni mentioned that her Pure Barre class was having a "Bring Your Boy (or Girl) Special"...I was all for it!

Biggest.  Mistake.  Ever.

My ass is STILL sore...

***

When we got there, we had to wait outside, which only added to the awkwardness. The chicks were all adorned in their Lululemon Sunday best and full makeup, while every guy had on ratty gym shorts, brewery and/or fun run t-shirts and had a distant, lost look in his eyes -- How did I end up here?

This was only made worse by the fact that each guy was sizing up the other six guys in attendance: OK...I can totally do more pushups than THAT guy...wait, do they even do pushups?  Shit, he isn't wearing socks...is there some kind of physical advantage to NOT wearing socks?  Why didn't Tauni tell me not to wear socks?  Now I might not be able to use that bar-thingy in the class correctly.  I think there is a bar-thingy...it is called Pure Barre, after all.  Yes, there is definitely a bar-thingy.  And socks must make it hard to use.  I'll show that guy...I'll just take my socks off when I get in there!  Ha!  Brilliant!  Wait...that other guy has socks on.  Shit.  What are the rules here, people? 

Each girl in the group, on the other hand, had a light in her eyes, proud of her man for spending time with her doing something SHE likes to do.  And, probably more importantly, spending time with her doing something SHE likes to do that SHE is WAY better at!

When the waiting became more and more awkward, the guys started talking silently and nervously to their significant others...and made guy jokes to each other about masculine things...belittling themselves in ritualistic male fashion:

  • I bet my ass will look amazing after this...
  • I hope this doesn't mess up my nails...
  • Do these shorts make my cock look big...

You know, the normal.

***

What I wish I had known then...which is very obvious to me now...is there is a reason women love Pure Barre so much.  It's not the challenge.  It's not the increased flexibility.  And it most certainly isn't the toning.  It's that Pure Barre is all about slutting it up.  I swear to you...it is.

In a man's class, you do things like THE CLEAN AND JERK (Could anything sound more masturbatory?) or THE SNATCH (as in Doing a... not I am a...). Very manly.  Sounds like things people with penises would do!

In Pure Barre, though, everything is about TUCKING or SQUEEZING or TILTING.  These are things men don't do.  Men don't tuck (well, not most men, at least) or tilt.  And we also don't tend to squeeze anything...in public.  But in Pure Barre, every movement involves a hip tuck or glute squeeze or pelvis tilt...it all seemed very slutty to me.  Moving and gyrating and squeezing and BURNING THE HELL OUT OF MY QUADS AND ASS FOR OVER AN F'IN HOUR!  I just don't think men are meant to move this way.  Not white, non-circus-performing men, at least.

Really, I just can't see myself having the following conversation:

  • Me:  Darron, what are you doing tonight?
  • Darron:  I'm going to Pure Barre. I've been practicing tucking all week.

OK...that's a lie...I've had this exact conversation before.

***

In all honesty, Pure Barre is an amazing workout.  Really, it is.  It worked muscles in ways I had never thought of before...and I was impressed by the strength and flexibility of all the women in the class.

All the men, on the other hand, probably wouldn't go back, unless they were practicing to become exotic dancers.  You never know.

I did appreciate that they offered chips and margaritas after class...a real MANLY thing to provide.  Unfortunately, after that crazy workout...I wasn't hungry, but I was slightly turned on.  So, I just went home and did some clean and jerks instead.

3 comments:

Laura said...

From the pic provided, you also have to be blonde and White. Was this a very diverse class?

Manasse said...

Yes. Some girls were hot. Others were REALLY hot.

jennifer said...

I imagine tucking and squeezing and tilting would make most girls look hot. To a guy :)