Monday, June 04, 2012

It's a Big Dick Contest and You Might Be Invited

It really irks me that if I don't blog for a month, Lost in Mental Masturbation rockets to the top of my Most Frequently Read Blogs list.  I feel bad for the people who rush to that blog for...um...extra-curricular reasons...and find something that I presume would be hard to pleasure one's self to.  If anyone has experienced otherwise, please let me know!

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In a non-egotistical way (?), I feel a lot more pressure with this stupid blog now.  When I first started and the only people who read it were Darron and someone looking for (mental) masturbation (usually two different people), I felt pretty at ease blogging about anything.  Now that I know I have more of a readership, I feel like it (a) stops me from blogging more often and (b) stops me from blogging unless I have something (I feel) is "profoundly" interesting or funny to discuss (insert sarcastic retort here).  Damn you, Google Analytics!

And, when I think about this more deeply (in a somewhat masturbatory fashion), this seems eerily similar to other aspects of my life where I have the innate ability to take something fun and turn it into some sort of chore...and I become some ├╝ber (God, I love that word) critic over things completely inane and harmless. HURRAY FOR BEING NEUROTIC!

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"Reigning" Big Dick Contest Winner 










Anyway...that's not why I am here.  I am here because of this idea of anonymity (and my lack of it) that comes along with cyber-writing and how this empowers assholes to become cyber-assholes.  This phenomenon often strikes me when I read CNN articles and then look at the comments section underneath...which quickly turn into a big dick contest about who can be more vicious to their fellow reader:

Clever Reader #1: You are a conservative douchebag....

Clever Reader #2: No, no...YOU are (and my dick is way HUGE!).

Now I could understand this type of conversation on perezhilton.com or foxnews.com (snark), but this is CNN.  Doesn't that mean something? Anything?  Can't we have some sort of adult conversation somewhere that doesn't break down into mine is bigger than yours?

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I've thought about this idea of having a cyber-persona before (my own, for example)...but it's this veil of safety people hide behind that has got me thinking.  And it seems like a two-step process, really:

Layer One: Being rude to someone NOT in person.  Hard to get your ass kicked...limited chance for confrontation when done asynchronously.

Layer Two:  Being rude to someone NOT in person and then using a pseudonym to do it!  This is an entirely deeper level of assholedom:


  • Can't get your ass kicked. Check.  
  • Don't give someone a chance to retort.  Check. 
  • AND, as an added bonus, you can even pretend NOT to have made the comment at all.  Check.  This is perfect!  

We have gone from letter, to telegram, to phone, to email, to texting, to hidden identities...removing ourselves further and further from our responsibilities as human beings to look someone else in the eye and say: LOOK, you are being an idiot, AND my dick is super, super gigantic compared to yours.

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It's a reality.  We use an online forum to comment and judge others' actions.  To vent.  To have an audience.  I'm not above this.  I do it, too. What I don't understand is hiding behind an emoticon and calling yourself princess_6969 to do it.  If anyone is a princess around here, it is me, princess_6969...so step!

Jack Handy once said It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.  I don't know what it takes exactly to hide and be an electronic dickhead.  Not much beyond an internet connection, spellcheck, and a fifth-grade reading level, I presume.

As a society, let's all stand up and point and laugh together...not alone, in our rooms, lost while we mentally masturbate ourselves to sleep -- that still frame of Alyssa Milano from Embrace of the Vampire will be there tomorrow.   And she wouldn't like you anyway.  It's a big dick contest after all, and you weren't even allowed to enter.



4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Im sure having big dick and masturbation in the same blog will attract even more visits. Also, Darron. You are a jerk.

Manasse said...

No. YOU are.

Outsmart the Fat! said...

Are you sure that spell check is a requirement? I think that would cut out a HUGE swath of internet commentary.

Nina said...

I love the CNN comment sections because they make me realize I am not failing at life.