Friday, June 29, 2012

Ironman Coeur d'Alene -- Summary, Hints, Poop -- Part 1

Thanks R for the photo!
Honestly, the thing I am most proud about after finishing my first Ironman...I fucking finally learned how to spell "Coeur d'Alene." Jesus...the French ARE assholes. They should put this city as a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune and have everybody lose. I swear, there IS a niner in there somewhere.

Anyway, if you follow this blog (and really, who doesn't), you probably are most interested in how my bowel movements went (or didn't) during the race.

So, final tally:

Poop Division
  • Pre-race: Two number twos.
  • During: NONE!!!!  BOOOO-YEAH, BABY!!!!  
  • After: Took over 24 hours to go again!  I must have scared my bowels into not working!
Pee Division
  • Pre-Race: Twice
  • During: Ten times (eeeeeeek...that slowed me down!  Never on myself [well, out of the water].  And sorry, G, I didn't go ON my bike).
  • After: Normal.
I really don't understand how I could possibly pee that much, but I did use these times as a chance to re-apply vaseline to ALL areas of my body. Yeah, I ran and biked with a tube of vaseline this race (sue me), and it really, really helped. I may just do this in my normal, everyday life...who knows when I might need vaseline at the supermarket, library, etc. Sometimes my fingers chafe when I turn pages...


The water temperature was ball crushing cold the day we got to Coeur d' I ended up buying booties...for swimming, not for nap time.  I also brought a squid lid with me...ended up NOT swimming with the booties, but I did use the cap.

I'm not a big fan of swimming...and on a list of things I would like to do, it doesn't place very high:

Top Ten Crappy Things I Would Prefer To Do Instead of Swimming

10. Taxes
9.  Watch any movie with Jennifer Aniston in it (made after Office Space).
8.  Wear a diaper
7.  Karaoke to "I'm Too Sexy" in Hillcrest
6.  Debate about which "Real Housewives of X" is the best
5.  Pluck nipple hair
4.  Grade 
3.  Darron Evans
2.  Call soccer, "football"
1.  Darron Evans (I would really prefer this, obviously)

But this race was especially challenging because all 2,400 people (or so) have a mass start, AND, maybe more importantly, my goggles decided to BREAK about five minutes into the 2.4 mile swim!!!  I was very, very lucky this was a fresh water swim, or this might have been really, really annoying, as opposed to just really annoying.  I had some choices when this happened:

  • Punch someone
  • Punch myself
  • Punch someone and myself
  • Just keep going
I decided to just keep going.  I figured I didn't have the time to fix them in the water with everyone and his mother (hey, what a great name for a blog) crawling up my every few strokes I would just push them back onto my face.

This was a two-loop swim, and we had to come out of the water between I fixed my goggles then.  I also punched someone.  Why not...

I felt like I went much faster on the second loop because (a) my goggles were working and (b) no one was swimming inside of my colon anymore...but it ended up taking me eight minutes longer!  I still don't know why....could have been that the current did kick up on the second loop.  It also could have been because I stopped to give someone directions to Montana.  Maybe a little from column A and a little from column B.

But with the swim day was only just beginning...I still had the bike and run to go...and so much pee to set free!

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