Sunday, April 29, 2012

An Open Letter to Megan Fox: A True Love Story Involving Shitting in Public

I apologize if one of the reoccurring themes of my posts is triathlons.  It's hard not to write about them and what they mean to me when I spend much of my free time (a) training for them (b) thinking about them or (c) wondering about what Megan Fox is doing.

I assume Meg (as I know she would want me to call her) is curious about what I think about them, too. So...

Dear Meg:

One of the interesting things about triathlons is that they are fucking hard.  Honestly, it probably isn't "normal" to bike after you swim and then run after you bike...but beyond being hard, you really do learn a lot about yourself and others when you are doing them.  

It's like starring in Transformers.  I haven't SEEN you perform in many of them because I honestly don't care about the shitty-ass movies you have been in.  But...I realize acting is  hard (for you)...so I am interested in how you go about it.  This is where I think we stand on common ground.

For example, when you prepare for a big movie, I assume you have to diet and rehearse and there are days you do better than others.  Similarly, I am doing the same things right now while training for an Ironman.  To put this in perspective for you, this is like the Brian Austin Green of triathlons. Hot, right?  And, in a way, finishing one would be like birthing a child: it takes about nine months to prepare, you're sweaty and shit-stained when you're done, and you often show other people pictures about it and they pretend to care!  I'm not sure if you understand metaphors, Meg, but this is getting creepily similar, if you asked me.  Or, maybe, just creepy.

I bet you probably wouldn't believe we have even MORE in common than this!  You know how when you try to act and it is like you are taking a shit all over the movie screen, but at least you look good doing it? AGAIN, this has happened to me, too.

One day, I was running on Coronado Island in San Diego, and if you know your movie history, I'm sure you realize Marilyn Monroe (one of the many you's before you were you) starred in Some Like it Hot on Coronado. Anyway, this run has a really long path...mile after mile...and you know what? There are no open bathrooms!  Well, while some people drink coffee and enjoy a laxative effect on their bodies...and while others eat prunes...you see...I go running.  

Meg, I'm not sure if your math is better than your movie history trivia or metaphor analysis....but if you add many miles of running with a lack of bathrooms...you know what you get?  You get ME with a poop emergency!  Talk about liking it hot!

Ah.  So the point.  Why am I writing you?  First and foremost, I wanted to say congrats about your pregnancy, and I wish you the best of luck! Secondly...I know literally what it is like to shit in public...and I guess, you do, too.  I was just wondering if you had any advice on how I could get paid to do it?

Sincerely,

Your  Kindred Spirit


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't even exercise and sometimes I shit myself in public.....maybe I am your kindred spirit and soulmate, Mark Manasse.

Manasse said...

So if I am Fox's kindred spirit and you are mine...that would mean...hmm. Nothing.

Anonymous said...

I love U r writings,Mark!

cindy said...
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Mansori said...

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