Thursday, April 05, 2012

My Girlfriend Left Town -- On the 4th Day, I Showered

I woke up today being able to breathe out of one of my nostrils.  I took this as a sign that the girlfriend's hex was abating and that I might be able to carry on (although rather hungry after only having four Cheez-Its for dinner last night) in somewhat of a normal fashion. Upon getting out of bed, I tried to think back upon what she used to coach me about before I left the house:

To-Do List Before Going out in Public
(don't worry about the order, just do)

  • If still wearing clothes from the previous day, remove them, find alternatives, and re-apply
  • Check body orifices for foreign objects...especially stinky and/or green ones.
  • Use a wet substance, preferably water, to cleanse.

Well, seeing as I have been left to my own defenses, I decided I didn't need to follow ALL the instructions today, but I figured I would try bathing out...just for kicks.  My orifices can wait until Sunday.

***

A little interesting fact about our house is that we have 1.5 bathrooms.  Without discussion when we moved in, it was pretty clear that the full bath (somehow) automatically became Tauni's.  I know how to pick my battles...and this was one I didn't cared about.  What would I do with a full bath anyway?  So, I don't go in "her bathroom" much, mostly because I don't understand most of the complex inner workings that occur.  I feel pretty satiated with my half-bath...it has a toilet, a shower, and a door.  I'm good.

Well my curiosity got the best of me today.  So I ventured into enemy territory and thought I would explore.  The first thing I noticed was color and a baby soap that got its own carrying case:

Colorful shampoo = Devil's work.

I guarantee you at least one of those things has a fruit scent and another promises to anti-dry/frizz/curl/etc. I was tempted to take the cover off the baby soap, but didn't know if that would throw of the pH balance of what I am sure are tiny crystals that need to be protected from oxygen.  I hope the flash of the camera didn't disrupt the baby soap's slumber.

This was nothing compared to the other side of the shower where I found multiple items which I thought she might have purchased from a wood shop.  In the center, you see some middleman devices which I know you use to apply soap to before you actually use the soap.  In fact, I'm pretty sure the gf and I have had this conversation before:

Me: I don't even understand why you use ploofas.
GF: A what?  
Me: You know, a ploofa...that scrub thing.
GF: You're an idiot.


 A Cornucopia of Things

I was happy that I did recognize one object in the shower...I believe that is a bar of soap next to the "loofah"...but there is no way to be sure.

I thought about taking a picture of her medicine cabinet ...but something told me she might actually have me strangled with a ploofa if I did that, so, instead, I thought I would share mine.  Pure perfection:



Finally, for comparison, here is my shower with all the necessities a man could want: stuff to shave with, some shampoo that has made its way into a plastic cup, and soap.


The highlight of my collection is the lighthouse soap dish.  I find it to be a metaphor for solidarity...and it's phallic...so yeah.  Go penises!

Day 4 is just starting...but I already feel invigorated knowing that I have a few crackers to munch on throughout the day...and that by using that plastic cup in the shower, I have done my part to help the environment.  

4 comments:

Mel Deal said...

So funny!! You are a talented writer! I love the pictures too. Really adds to the blog.

Manasse said...

Thanks, Melissa!

Nina said...

This post is great. I lol'd at the ploofa convo.

Kyle Fitzgibbons said...

Totally had these same conversations with my girlfriend. You need soap and shampoo in a shower. Toothbrush and deodorant in the medicine cabinet. Some razors are probably OK too.

Also, if I knew you were this sarcastic in real life I would have used my actual voice around you instead of the "this is school, monitor everything you say," one.