I woke up today being able to breathe out of one of my nostrils. I took this as a sign that the girlfriend's hex was abating and that I might be able to carry on (although rather hungry after only having four Cheez-Its for dinner last night) in somewhat of a normal fashion. Upon getting out of bed, I tried to think back upon what she used to coach me about before I left the house:
To-Do List Before Going out in Public
(don't worry about the order, just do)
- If still wearing clothes from the previous day, remove them, find alternatives, and re-apply
- Check body orifices for foreign objects...especially stinky and/or green ones.
- Use a wet substance, preferably water, to cleanse.
Well, seeing as I have been left to my own defenses, I decided I didn't need to follow ALL the instructions today, but I figured I would try bathing out...just for kicks. My orifices can wait until Sunday.
A little interesting fact about our house is that we have 1.5 bathrooms. Without discussion when we moved in, it was pretty clear that the full bath (somehow) automatically became Tauni's. I know how to pick my battles...and this was one I didn't cared about. What would I do with a full bath anyway? So, I don't go in "her bathroom" much, mostly because I don't understand most of the complex inner workings that occur. I feel pretty satiated with my half-bath...it has a toilet, a shower, and a door. I'm good.
Well my curiosity got the best of me today. So I ventured into enemy territory and thought I would explore. The first thing I noticed was color and a baby soap that got its own carrying case:
Colorful shampoo = Devil's work.
I guarantee you at least one of those things has a fruit scent and another promises to anti-dry/frizz/curl/etc. I was tempted to take the cover off the baby soap, but didn't know if that would throw of the pH balance of what I am sure are tiny crystals that need to be protected from oxygen. I hope the flash of the camera didn't disrupt the baby soap's slumber.
This was nothing compared to the other side of the shower where I found multiple items which I thought she might have purchased from a wood shop. In the center, you see some middleman devices which I know you use to apply soap to before you actually use the soap. In fact, I'm pretty sure the gf and I have had this conversation before:
Me: I don't even understand why you use ploofas.
GF: A what?
Me: You know, a ploofa...that scrub thing.
GF: You're an idiot.
A Cornucopia of Things
I was happy that I did recognize one object in the shower...I believe that is a bar of soap next to the "loofah"...but there is no way to be sure.
I thought about taking a picture of her medicine cabinet ...but something told me she might actually have me strangled with a ploofa if I did that, so, instead, I thought I would share mine. Pure perfection:
Finally, for comparison, here is my shower with all the necessities a man could want: stuff to shave with, some shampoo that has made its way into a plastic cup, and soap.
The highlight of my collection is the lighthouse soap dish. I find it to be a metaphor for solidarity...and it's phallic...so yeah. Go penises!
Day 4 is just starting...but I already feel invigorated knowing that I have a few crackers to munch on throughout the day...and that by using that plastic cup in the shower, I have done my part to help the environment.