Monday, July 11, 2011

The Crazy Shit People Say

While most people were hanging with family and/or BBQing on July 4th, I decided to take the opportunity to do some fundraising. I'm trying to raise nearly $9,500 for LLS cancer research, and the gf suggested we try to get donations for Mardi Gras beads.

Mardi Gras beads? I wondered. Are people going to flash us?

In retrospect...that would have been much less horrific. Overall, most people were very nice while we walked around and asked if they wanted to donate in exchange for cheap-ass beads (or cheap ass-beads, depending on the person, I guess).

On the other hand, some people had crazy shit to say in retort to our requests for donations. Here are some of my favorites, in no particular order:

My Top Ten Favorite Things People Said in Response to "Would you like to donate $1.00 for Cancer Research in Exchange for a Necklace?" (I have also added what I would have liked to have said in return.)

10. So, are you going to show me your junk?

Response: You see, you're just not certain how this works. I don't give you a necklace AND show you my junk. You either need to show me YOUR junk or you have to give me a necklace to see mine. Idiot.

9. You know. Anyone can put on a shirt and say they are raising money for cancer.

Response: You're right, dipshit. Anyone can put on pants, too.

8. You have any weed?

Response: Nope. Just necklaces. You can try smoking them if you want to, I guess.

7. Do these necklaces really cure cancer?

Response: Getting all literal on me and shit, aren't you? Basically, you give me a $1.00, and I donate it for you. Hopefully, with that money, a cure is found. But, no, brainiac...the necklaces aren't a magic elixir.

6. Do I have to show you my tits like in New Orleans?

Response: (a) No. (b) You're a guy. (c) No.

5. Do you work for the police?

Response: Yes. This is an undercover sting. And you are being arrested. For being stupid.

4. (While pulling money out of his pants) I don't have any money. I left it in my car.

Response: David Copperfield you are not!

3. Do you have an ATM machine?

Response: Yes. I carry two bags. One with necklaces. One with an ATM machine. Do you remember your PIN, moron?

2. You look familiar. Do you know my cousin, Tito. He lives in Chula Vista. Brown hair. Kind of a jerk.

Response: Do you know his SSN? That might help.

1. Yes! I would.

Response: Thank you!