Saturday, June 18, 2011

Poop in All the Wrong Places

Sometimes, when Maggie the Pug gets upset and/or vindictive, she poops in the house. Usually right in front of my bathroom because I am the one who disciplines her when she is being a naughty little puggy. It's ok...she's a dog and is merely expressing her feelings. It just sucks because sometimes I step in it (barefoot), and if it's been there a few hours, it can stink up an entire room. That little dog can pack quite a punch!

***


Two nights ago, while we were going to bed, I stopped off in my bathroom adjacent to our bedroom to wash my face. I was taken aback because our shower, which is about 3' x 3' with about a 5" lip, was completely filled with clear water.

I stuck my head out of the bathroom and said: Um, I think we have a bit of a problem, here.

T-, annoyed and tired, replies: What is it?

Me: I think there is water coming up out of our drain. Our shower is completely filled.

T-: It's probably just clogged. Don't worry about it.

Me: Hmmm...I don't know, this seems a little worse than a clog...and I just took a shower a few hours ago, and it drained fine.

T-: It's nothing. Just go to sleep.

Me: OOOOOOOkkkkk...

The next morning, the shower was empty...maybe she was right. Maybe she was...

***

Last night, we were BBQing. At one point, after about three glasses of water and multiple adult beverages and about a pound of carne asada, spanish rice, and beans, (you know, a dinner equating to like one gigantic laxative) I needed to excuse myself to use the facilities. I went back to our room, and it smelled like Maggie had gone to the bathroom.

That's weird, I didn't discipline her at all today...hmmm...

So I start looking around my room for her "gift," and couldn't find anything. I look in the bathroom, and notice that the shower is filled again. This time with brown water. Brown-shit-smelling water.





















I run out of the bathroom, towards the front of the house, but feel like the smell has beaten me there. I peep my head in the other bathroom to find this:





















T-, it appears, was wrong. And this is the nastiest, foulest smelling "I told you so" ever.

***

I'm relieved that Maggie is not the culprit of any of the smells eminating from the house, but a little upset that I have gallons of sewage sitting in my bathrooms. I am also a little upset because I really, really, really need to go, but we are instructed by the plumber to not use the water until he can get there (early the next morning).

That's fine, I think, I can wait until tomorrow.

***

We end up having to sleep in our living room because our bedroom smells like an asshole. At about 5:00 AM, Maggie wakes me up so SHE can go to the bathroom outside, and I have a terrible feeling. That special feeling. You know the feeling I'm talking about, in my stomach.

I try to tell myself to go back to sleep...but watching my dog go gives me this strange feeling of jealousy. That lucky bitch! She just trots outside and takes a dump, yet I'm stuck here holding it in...inside a house that smells like crap!

I come back in and start pacing around my living room. I really have to go and have the following options:

(1) Use my seemingly working toilets and flush even though I have been told not to.
(2) Use my seemingly working toilets and not flush. The entire house smells like poop anyway.
(3) Follow Maggie's lead and go outside.
(4) Just go in the bathtub.
(5) Hold it and try to go back to sleep.

Against every man instinct inside of me, I decide to just hold it in.

***

I had heard of night sweats before...but this technically was morning, and caused by not being able to go to the bathroom...so I guess I had morning-holding-my-poop-in-sweats. I just tossed and turned and tried to think of anything else that I could. The plumber was supposed to be coming first thing in the morning, and I felt like I could wait this out.

By 7:00, this wait was over. And I lost.

I decided to drive over to the Starbucks a couple miles from my house, buy some coffee, and use their facilities. Heck, I was a paying customer!

I go in, do my business, and, of course, there is no toilet paper. Awesome.

At this moment, I think we all have a little MacGyver inside of us, and I start scanning the room, What can I use...and are there any paperclips I can somehow involve?

I see a door, hobble over to it, it is thankfully unlocked, and find some supplies. Crisis averted!

***

What have I learned? A few things, I guess:

(1) When you see clear water filling up your shower, don't ignore it, even if told to do so;
(2) Don't eat tons of Mexican food and drink a lot of beer if there is even a chance your bathroom will not be working; and
(3) Sewage really doesn't smell good. At all.

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