Monday, January 18, 2010

Dear Idiot III

Time to go into the mailbag again. As usual, I took my three favorite emails from the past few months. "Favorite" used loosely, of course.

Stupid Question #1:

Mark,

Do you think you are selling out by posting your blog on Facebook.

J-Money


Dear Idiot,

Of course. Totally. I am selling out because I somehow make money by connecting my blog to Facebook or improve my social standing? In case you were not fully aware of the definition of "a sell out," please, let me enlighten you:

"Selling out" refers to the compromising of one's integrity, morality and principles in exchange for money, success or other personal gain. It especially refers to the attempt to increase social appeal or acceptability through this compromising. The person who acts in this way is referred to as a sell out.

I guess I consider myself a sell out this moment because I got this definition off of Wikipedia, but besides that, no. I discovered a long time ago that I have no social appeal...I think it is your turn to do the same! By the way, do you consider yourself a sell out because you finally learned how to read? Seriously, I hate when people think they have learned a word, but they are on 3/4s of the way there. Do me a favor, J-Money, use the word "ironic" in a sentence for me. If you do so correctly, THAT would be ironic.


Stupid Question #2:

Mark:

Why do you say such mean things to the people who take the time read your blog and write to you? I think you are funny most of the time, but some of your "Dear Idiots" seem a little rude. Can you be a little nicer?

Nancy


Dear Idiot:

This is actually a common question from the mailbag...but I chose yours, Nancy, because it seemed especially meek and whiny.

Let me spell this out for you. My blog, it isn't real. It 99% satire...so if I say my best friend is gay or that someone sexually assaulted me, it is a joke. For example, if I were to call you a moron for writing me such a pathetic email, you have two choices:

(1) You could choose to see the humor in my response by understanding that I have never met you and know nothing about you except you have time enough to read my blog and then write me emails telling me that I need to be nicer.

or

(2) You could choose to get offended and take what I am saying at face value. Of course, that means you would have to take everything in my blog as real...which probably means I have had sex with my dog. Repeatedly. For years. And she likes it.


Stupid Question #3:

Mark,

Why don't you write about Eva Longoria anymore? That shit was HILARIOUS!

Big Bob from Boise (Go Broncos!)



Dear Idiot:

Actually a GOOD question....and I have gotten a lot of emails about this over the past year. I don't know, really. She really bugged me for awhile, but then I stopped seeing her every three seconds. I guess when you suck, you stop being in movies? I also haven't seen any Spurs games recently...I don't know if she is still in the crowd or what. Point being...she isn't on my radar. I got into Mylie Cyrus for awhile...but I stopped noticing her, too. Maybe I need to watch more TV or something.

Do you have any suggestions on who I should ridicule next? I am pretty open.

That's it from the mailbag. Until next time!

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

The Top Ten Things I Learned (not necessarily did) on New Year's Eve (or close thereto)

10: Sleeping in your own bed with sheets and blankets is so 2009. Sleeping on an expensive new couch that isn't yours in your own vomit, now THAT is 2010!


9: Walking around a parking lot trying to break into hot tubs for thirty minutes is stupid. Doing it while walking around naked is stupid and cold.


8: When wandering in a gated-off park that is not set to open for for a few months with signs every few feet which state "No Trespassing," one should only pick the freshest lemons off of all the lemon trees for the consumption of lemonade the next day (note: if the lemonade is actually made or not is of no importance).


7: Women squatting and peeing on the sidewalk is more common than you would think.


6: Actually trying to commit a felony, such as kidnapping, can be thwarted by a "teacher look" and a well-written note when packing tape is available.


5: A fast way to solve any lingering and underlying race issues is to tell an Afghani cab driver, at least three times, Sorry for what we are doing to your country, man! while giving a "bro-tap" on the back of the shoulder.


4: Some C.M.s find my sense of humor hilarious (Chris Macabuhay). Others (he/she who shall not be named), not so much.


3: Wearing nasty-ass-printed-ruffle-dresses is "in" in the OC, and people who wear such dresses are not actually deaf when one yells (repeatedly) "Why are so many chicks wearing nasty-ass-printed-ruffle-dresses...they are so UGLY!"


2: It is possible to puke and poop simultaneously.


and the #1 thing I learned on New Year's Eve


1: New Orleans 2011 is happening.