Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I Now Know the Definition of Awkward

You remember that show "Kids Say the Darndest Things?" Bill Cosby would ask some kid a simple question like "How old is your Mom?" and the kid would reply something like "Oh...mommy is really old. Like 13." So cute. So cute.

You know what isn't cute? Kids don't only SAY the darndest things. They do the darndest things, too.

Case in point, when I was at my sister's on Christmas Eve, my five-year-old nephew wanted to show me some of his new "karate moves," complete with WAHHHHHH sound effects. No problem with that! He was air kicking and air punching his heart away. Ahhhhh, I think to myself. What a doll. He really is a sweet, innocent, little kid. LOVE HIM!

After a few minutes, he got a little tired of the air, and he got this crazed look in his eye. "Let me see your knee for a second, Uncle Mark." Hmmm. My knee? You want to kick me in my knee? That isn't very sweet OR innocent. Combine this with the fact that I have no idea if getting kicked in my knee by a five-year-old would hurt or not, I politely declined the request.

"That's ok. Want to punch my hand?"

"I'm not going to do anything." Snicker. Snicker. "Just let me see your knee for a second." Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.

"Want to punch both my hands?"

"NOOOOOooo, Uncle Mark. Just let me see your knee. I PROMISE I don't want to kick it" (as he gets in the ready-to-kick-position.)

Clearly outwitted, I figure I will try to distract him another way. This was a stupid, stupid mistake. I ever-so-slowly air kick what I think is going to be BY him, hoping this will distract him long enough so I can convince him to go back to (a) air kicking or (b) punching my hand. But, this being me, I, of course, misjudge what I am doing, and I end up grazing the outside of his pants. By his thigh. His upper thigh. His center, upper thigh. Sigh.

He pauses. And my nephew, my sweet, innocent, five-year-old nephew exclaims: "You just kicked me in my penis!"

I turn BEET red, and say: "NO I DID NOT! I hit your leg"

"No! That was my penis!"

"OK. OK. I'm sorry!"

My nephew doesn't believe in such empty words, I guess. He clearly believes in revenge. An eye-for-an-eye type kid. So, he charges at me. CHARGES at me. My sweet, innocent, little nephew CHARGES at me and starts trying to PUNCH me in the crotch!

I dodge him, and tell him to stop. And he does. For a second. Until he charges me again, full on SWINGING for my nuts with as much strength as his little five-year-old arms can muster.

At this point, I'm simply wishing I would have let the kid kick my damn knee. I tell him to stop. And this time he does. He really does. But I obviously didn't know who I was dealing with. This kid is just too darn smart for me.

As he appears to be fully under control, I turn 90 degrees to the right. A simple turn. To the right. I start to ask my sister a question, and...

WHAMO!!!!

I get a straight punch to the nuts from my nephew followed by HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAAH. And you know who was laughing? TAUNI! As I hunch over in pain, Tauni just laughs and laughs and laughs. I really want to say something to my nephew, but I can't get a word out because he and Tauni are now both laughing too hard. My sister, who has been watching this entire interchange, finally says:

"We don't hit people in the penis, M-."

You know, I'm not a parent, but I really wish that was a life lesson he would have learned about five minutes earlier.

Sweet and innocent, my ass.

6 comments:

Shasta said...

First you are outsmarted by a rat, and now a 5 year old boy... how do you manage to outsmart your students? :)

Anonymous said...

You may not have considered that his penis may actually been resting on his outer thigh. Must have gotten that from his dad's side.

Manasse said...

Shasta: As long as my students don't hide in trees, poop in my suitcase, or try to punch my nuts, I should be ok.

Anonymous: That is FUNNY shit.

sgainesjr1 said...

This made my day!

Lali said...

Oh, please... this is certainly not your first "awkward" experience - they tend to navigate to you like bees on honey. Are we truly to believe that you just recently learned the definition?

Manasse said...

Do bees navigate to honey or pollen?