Monday, November 29, 2010

Novembeard

As you can see, I grew a beard so voluminous this month, that I became unable to fully smile due to its weight. To combat this issue, I decided to get a professional barber shave for the first time in my life...and went in expecting it not to go well.

My history of getting massages and colonics has been well documented and is not pretty. I have been sexually assaulted repeatedly by people in the "service industry" and simply have to live with that fact (while I quietly cry myself to sleep at night). So, going into a situation where I would be exposing my neck to a barber with a very sharp razor had catastrophe written all over it. Somehow. Someway. I was going to end up with my pants off and my penis cut. I just knew it.

(To save anyone reading this the agony of the payoff...my penis was not harmed in any way, shape, or form...I will not be commenting on the location of my pants).

Overall, I did have a very pleasant experience getting my first "real shave." There were so many steps, I can't recount them all, but there were numerous hot towels, multiple types of lotions and oils, shoulder and face massages, and the barber didn't make stupid chit chat. In fact, she (yes, she), barely talked at all! So let me get this straight, you are female, can handle a blade, like to remove body/facial hair, and are very quiet...if she had liked Cal Football, I may have found my new best friend!

This being me, there were a few moments of awkwardness, truth be told. First of all, the blade tickled the right side of my neck. Not the left side. Just the right. The sharp-ass, could-easily-kill-me, don't-make-any-sudden-movements-or-your-tongue-will-be-sticking-out-of-your-neck blade TICKLED my neck. What the shit is that? Who the Hell would be tickled by a razor???? So while she scraped-scraped-scraped hair off that side, I was paralyzed in agonizing fear. All I wanted to do was turn my neck away from the blade, but I HAD to sit still and take the tickling. Absolute torture!

I also found the face massages a bit weird. Every time she would put a hot towel on my face, she would remove it by doing some sensual rubbing of my cheeks, temples, and chin. This was all well and good after the first hot towel...but as we got to towel three to four, I just really didn't want my face rubbed anymore. If nothing else, I learned something about myself today...it IS possible to have your face rubbed one too many times. And THAT is a very valuable lesson.

Novembeard is finally over...and I can now go back to shaving and rubbing my own head....just in time for Decemporn.

2 comments:

Lessons From a student said...

Nothing is more awesome than a well grown and maintained beard.

I'll mourn for your loss...

Anonymous said...

Great post, Mark. The beard did look pretty professorial. You may need to take up wearing sweater vests and spectacles to make up for your loss. And for god sakes, bring on Decemporn!