Saturday, October 23, 2010

Raisin Ideas

Raisins. I hate them. I can't tell you why, but the boxes of dried fruit make me cringe worse than the upcoming movie How to Make A Guy Vomit in Ten Seconds combining "the talents" of Katherine Heigle, Jennifer Aniston, and Kate Hudson. Even the Sun Maid maid and those stupid California Dancing Raisins induce an intermixed fight or flight reflex inside of me. Oddly, the reflexes are ultimately felt in my ass a few hours later. But I digress.

Now, you may be thinking, But Mark, who has such a violent reaction to raisins? I mean, this sounds a bit neurotic. To that I have two responses:

(1) Yes. I'm neurotic. Big newsflash there. I bet you also know that there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, but there probably are now since we imperialized the area. I bet you also know that the cigarette and alcohol lobbies are the main reasons why we can't get marijuana legalized on a large scale. You are a genius, aren't you?

and

(2) Fuck you.

(on a side note, I have really thought about not "cursing" in my blog anymore since that seems a bit juvenile and too much of an easy laugh, but here we are. I just liked the crafting of a politicized response juxtaposed against a blatant, low-brow one.)

I won't go as far as saying I dislike raisins more than peanuts because...well...peanuts literally kill me. I will say that trailmixes that marry the two would be like combining Bridezillas with Real Housewives of (fill in the city). Clearly, some marriages are just cruel and unusual...and should just never happen.

Anyway, why am I telling you all this?

This morning, while at Starbucks reading papers that were attempting to explain justice and inequality in society, I was becoming increasingly distracted by what I first thought was nausea from what I was reading (If any of my students are reading this, I am being sarcastic...please do not take offense). Luckily, that was not the case! It was just hunger pangs (and maybe a little nausea at what I was reading.)

I walk up to the counter and was bombarded by all the sugary treats that Starbucks now offers. Donuts, muffins, crack cocaine, it was all there for the picking. But I'm trying to be healthier these days, and while I would love to eat a giant chocolate-chip-cookie-brownie-bear-claw sandwich...I noticed that they also had bagels. Bagels. That is healthy...er

As I was about to order, my eyes dropped to another section of the case, and I saw that not only did they have bagels...but they had multigrain bagels, too! Multigrain. That seems healthy...er...ER!

"I'll take a multigrain bagel, please!" And I proudly saunter back to my seat. I'm such a good decision maker!

But are people who choose to:

(a) Combine getting colonics with
(b) Writing about said colonics publically with
(c) Posting pictures about the owner's daughter on their blogs

usually good decision makers?

No.

So, this is where my problem began.

My multigrain bagel is brought to me in a white, little bag, like I am sort of king. I think about digging in between reading about the ideas of real ones, via Martin Luther King Jr and Machiavelli, but the student's ideas are married together in trailmix-esque fashion: Sigh...that is just not jelling.

My stomach gurgles as I open the all white bag...and I pull out my bagel...What the F? Raisins? What are F'in raisins doing in a multigrain bagel????

This is when it gets weird.

I return to the counter which is the home of two registers...and as I speak to my barista: Can I order a plain bagel instead...I hate raisins.

The woman six inches away from me simultaneously says to her barista:...and I would like a multigrain bagel.

I stop...turn to my fellow costumer...and do what I think is just! Hey...I haven't even touched this bagel. I hate raisins. Do you want it?

Her response: --

Literally, she did not respond. Zip. Not a word. She simply turned back away from me..looked right at her barista and continued her order. SHE WANTED TO PAY FOR A NEW BAGEL...WHEN I OFFERED HER EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS ORDERING FOR FREE.

I thought maybe she didn't hear me. So I said:
Look, I know this is a little weird...but I'm serious. I JUST ordered this, and I didn't touch it. I just don't like raisins. You can have it.

This time, she didn't even look at me...and both the baristas were looking at her like...Just Take The Damn Bagel Lady...followed by a LONG silence. The coffee shop seemed to jolt completely quiet...like someone hit the record player and it screeched to a halt.

My barista says: Yeah...I HATE Raisins...I totally understand.

Her barista says: Really? I love raisins.

The customer says NOTHING.

After another three-to-five second pause...the sound returned Starbucks. And we all pretended the conversation never happened. They took AND THREW OUT my multigrain bagel. The other customer ordered and paid for a new one. I went back to my seat and just shook my head as I read another line about injustice in the world that hadn't been clearly thought through.

I tried to eat my plain bagel quietly, but my neurosis made me so nausea that I had to throw it out.

Stupid raisins. Stupid Machiavelli. Stupid Kate Hudson.

And I laughed because no better sequence of thoughts had ever come to my mind before..and this blog simply tried to do them justice.

2 comments:

Outsmart the Fat! said...

This is what the Sun Maid Lady has to say to you.

http://pzrservices.typepad.com/advertisingisgoodforyou/2009/11/i-got-your-raisins-right-here.html

(I happen to own that shirt - not because I enjoy raisins, but because apparently I enjoy wearing offensive images around town on my days off.)

A multigrain bagel with raisins in it is just weird. And highly unexpected.

Elpoo said...

I like raisins, but my husband swears he knows someone who is afraid of them. Afraid.