Thursday, June 17, 2010

Knock, Knock, Knocking on 300

In the movie 300, a bunch of naked Spartans prance around while a naked Persian guy tries to seduce/conquer them (this is the CliffsNotes version).

Very similarly, my blog nears 300 entries, and I am currently prancing around naked.

OK...OK...that isn't true...I'm not prancing.

Point being, I should come up with something spectacular for this occasion. I mean, who would have imagined I would have spent so much time writing so many things that so many people don't read. NOT ME!

With about nine blogs to go before I get there...I need to think of something that is equal parts meaningful, thought provoking, libelous, self-deprecating, and crude. Something like Hemingway meets Daniel Tosh.

Until then, I'm going to try to contact Gerard Butler and see if I can get him to make a special blog appearance saying something like "THIS...IS...MARK'S BLOG!!" Prancing/clothes optional.

Friday, June 04, 2010

Learning My ABCs

When you're neurotic, like me, you tend to over think things...especially when these things involve other people. Mundane tasks like changing lanes, buying groceries, and walking past people in the hall have to be done the right way to ensure that:

(a) They are done correctly [because there is a correct way to do these things, right?];
(b) They are done politely; and
(c) They are done discreetly.

This formula might not seem to hard to accomplish, but when trying to get a+b+c to = perfection every second of every day...some amount of added life stress comes into play.

Luckily, I find myself to be utterly I don't get overly consumed. I often just laugh when I find myself spiraling down a rabbit hole of:

Did I say "Hi" at the right time and with enough clarity to sound friendly but not like I want to get into a conversation? You're an idiot...stop worrying about that...shit...did he see me talking to I look unfriendly...ok...walk normally...not too fast...SLOW can you walk too fast...this is stupid...I'm stupid...oh...BOOBS...What was I thinking about...Oh yeah...that was a good "Hi." Probably the best "Hi" that dude every heard before. *chuckle* I really am insane."

On the other end of the spectrum...there are douchebags that could care less about other people's feelings. I encountered one this morning in the YMCA's hot tub. Clearly, he is illiterate....He does not know my ABCs.


First of all, there are two hot tubs at the Y. When I walked up, there was an even number of people in both I was not going to look like I was picking a side that already had too many people in it (a perfect ABC) although I was going to disturb the balance of tub-to-person ratio going on (substandard A).

Next, I entered my tub of choice, giving the gentleman who was already in the tub plenty of room, without splashing him at all, and without making any odd half-naked-man-eye-contact (Another ABC accomplished...I was on a role...and ecstatic with my performance to that point.) On the other hand, wile he did have plenty of room, I was sitting on the same side of the hot tub with him so I could be in some shade (Bad B...and borderline A).

As I mentioned, at this point, I was happy to find myself under an umbrella that gave me some shade, and I had left room for other shade-wanting-hot-tub-guests (ABC). I did start to wonder if the other guy in my tub knew I was trying to leave room for others to enjoy the shade, though (This completely ruined my C...and I tried to take up even less room).

And there I sat. Content. Shaded. No other person bothered as much as possible. I'm sure everyone was very impressed with my ability to get into the hot tub in such a professional manner....


This sense of ease did not last long. The "gentleman" who was sharing the hot tub with me decided to MOVE THE UMBRELLA so that the shade it offered was no longer on me...but only him and the rest of the hot tub. I didn't know what to do. I figure a normal person would request that the umbrella stay in place...but, as I have established, I am anything but normal. I didn't want to disturb his actions of wanting to change the angle of the umbrella (ABC), but I was also left in a hot tub in the sun...

I tried to talk my way through this:

Maybe he doesn't realize that the entire hot tub is covered in shade now EXCEPT where I am sitting. I should politely ask him to return can't ask...I should tell...Yeah...telling is the right play here...but, he might not speak English. It looks like he may speak Spanish. How do I say this in Spanish? Por favor isn't move-o you idiot...what is the word for move? Is it volver? I think that is turn, not move. Shit, what is the word for umbrella? Did I ever know that word? Why can't I ever remember anything...Damn it...he already sat down. I think I waited too long. Now if I say something, he has to get back up to move the umbrella. Umbrella? Umbrella? What is the Spanish for umbrella? It is so fucking hot in here...I really should have said something...*Looking over at the other hot tub* BOOBS!

So I did what any sane person would do...I got out of the hot tub because it was too hot in the sun. I chalked this entire situation up to the fact that he must just be oblivious...and it was coincidence that the only place that ended up NOT having shade was exactly where I was sitting.

I thought this for about five seconds...until he watched me dry off...and put the umbrella back the second I walked through the door and back into the Y.

I wonder what the Spanish is for "You are a rude piece of shit?"


By the time I got to the locker room...all I could do was laugh at how ridiculous he was and I was and the entire situation was...but not for long...I was then down another rabbit hole because the Y is infamous for old men walking around with their wangs out...which seems very rude to me...and I had to get into my "Correct way to not look at other people's wangs without making it look like I am not looking at other people's wangs" (ABC) routine...and didn't have time to worry about the umbrella incident any longer.