Saturday, April 17, 2010

Motorists: An Open Letter

Dear Motorists (meaning all motorists, not just certain minorities or certain genders that are sometimes certainly stereotyped as "bad drivers"):

Now, I know that you may realize this...you are very smart after all, but a bike tis not a car. Keeping this pertinent info in mind, please refrain from the following:

(1) Do NOT honk at me...EVER. You see, no matter who is right or who is wrong in a particular situation when you may want to honk...if you refer back to the premise of my argument (the aforementioned a bike is not a car), honking does absolutely nothing but make a bad situation much, much worse.

For example, let's say we are "sharing" (did you notice the quotes there? I am quoting that because you are indeed supposed to share the road with me...but alas, usually, you do not) the road...and I run out of shoulder to ride upon. If I then leave a nonexistent bike lane and "share" a lane with you, I realize that you may want to honk to (a) let me know you are there (b) make me move over or (c) request me to speed up...whatever the case may be...do you remember the premise? Do you? I am not a car...and so I can do none of these things...and while you may scoff at my very existence..honking only makes bikers nervous and SWERVE...maybe MORE into your lane.

So...no honking.

(2) While you may very well be some sort of fashion consultant...Hell, you may be the Tim Gunn of Del Mar...that still gives you no right to comment on my attire...I mean, do you see me lean over at a red light and say "Nice sweatpants...is that velour? My...you look quite gay in those" to you? I'm sorry if my biking shorts (designed for both speed and comfort) somehow offend you...but I can tell you, wearing biking shorts does not a gay man make. Maybe it's the sight of a non-fat ass that is threatening to you...I don't know. Point being...shut it.

(3) We all love a good laugh. I know I do...I mean..look at your wife. I kid. I kid. You see...joking is part of everyone's life. But you know what isn't funny? Yelling out your car window things like:

-Hey buddy, you dropped your water bottle!

or

-You're going the wrong way!

or

-Can't you go any faster??!?!?!?!?.

You are not original. More to the point, you are not funny. I have heard these same things time and time again. If you were to come up with some NEW material, and wanted to try it out...then by all means...go for yours. Until then...no more yelling rehashed jokes.

(4) I gotta say...I don't understand parking and/or driving in the bike lane...this "stumps" me...but the glass? Why do you constantly throw glass bottles into my lane? Again...I am assuming that you are smart...and that you realize that when you throw a glass bottle out of your car...it will...what's the word I am looking for...BREAK. Yeah...it breaks! So why don't you keep all your glass, food, and used condoms IN YOUR CAR.

This is really all I had to say at the moment. I hope you understand my position. Let's work together on this...and way to go with those used condoms! You the man!

Sincerely:

Mark Manasse

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Bad day on the road Mark?

Anonymous said...

Ahhh the troubles of white middle class males who bike for pleasure. But you DO look gay in those pants..you speed demon.

Anonymous said...

What a dangerous fucking hobby: broken glass and used condoms! It's like a Gigi Allen show.

Manasse said...

I WISH I were middle class.