Sunday, October 25, 2009

There's a Caterpillar In My Bok Choy

Not very often do you google search something like "bok choy caterpillar" and come back with a bunch of results for a movie with it's own website: http://www.theresacaterpillarinmybokchoy.com/

...but I did, and there is, so here we are.

Anyway...I found the mother fucker that single handedly ate THREE of my bok choy plants. Here he is before I threw him into the next yard:



I guess it really is a cabbage moth larva? Here is a professional picture:



I bet you didn't know they have green blood. But they do. Whoops...I might have squeezed it just a little too hard. Tee hee.

But why didn't I kill the little shit before it ate all my plants? I couldn't see it! It was the same exact color as the soil...and it wasn't until this morning that he made the mistake of not burying himself more fully.

If that wasn't enough carnage for one morning, we also found this carcass "living" under our shed. What you might not be able to capture here is that his limbs and spine had been torn from his body. Ah, nature. You truly are beautiful.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Your Tax Dollars at Work

I got a letter from my district office today. The letter contained a form for change of address and instructions.

The instructions stated:

District forms are not forwarded by the post office. We need your current mailing address to send you important information. Please fill out the enclosed change of address form so that we can have you current mailing address.

What I learned:

My district office clearly has my current mailing address because it was ON the letter they sent me today.

My district office made it clear I can't receive mail from them unless they have my current mailing address. They SENT ME A LETTER telling me this.

I need to fill out a form to let my district office know of my current mailing address, even though they have it because it was on the letter, a letter I wouldn't have received unless it was addressed correctly.

Question:

How did we get to the point of needing furloughs in California? No idea. Nope. No idea at all.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

So Long "Where's the Beef?" Hello "Where's the North American Beef?"

Ever notice that we add words to foods to make them sound better than they really are? You know...something like:

Q: You want cheese with that?
A: Nah

but if asked

Q: You want Aged Vermont Extra Sharp Cheddar with that?
A: Oh BOY...DO I?!?!?!

This happens all the time...especially at restaurants that are pretending to be high quality. In fact, I find there is a direct correlation between the number of adjectives to describe the food to the price. For example:

A burger with everything on it may run you about $5.00 to $8.00

while

A Japanese Kobe Beef Burger with Arugula and Smoked Real Californian Pepper Jack...well you are looking at at least $20.

This never really bothered me until recently when I saw a Wendy's commercial. Yeah...Wendy's. I haven't been there in about ten years, either...all I know is that they have square (why?) burgers and shakes that they don't call shakes.

Anyway, in this commercial...they claim that they just don't have REAL beef in their burgers...but they have REAL NORTH AMERICAN beef.

Is this supposed to make me feel better? First of all, North America is a pretty damn big area and includes such places as Tijuana and New Jersey. MMMmmmm...polluted.

Secondly, it simply freaks me out when a place claims that they have beef in their beef! That makes me ask two questions:

(1) What did you use before you made this claim?
(2) What are other places using that this is a claim you are actually proud to make?

What's really weird is I went onto Wendy's website to pull the commercial for this blog...and at least on the internet, they aren't using the "Real North American beef" terminology anymore. So that verbiage (a) is only on TV (b) has been pulled because IT WASN'T TRUE or (c) was simply made up in my mind.

Nah...it was probably made up in my real, North American, aged and pepper-JACKED mind.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Ode to Fall (And I Guess Winter If I Have To)

Oh Fall, how I hate thee.
You are a cold time of year.
Your days get dark early.
Your frost chills my rear.

One good thing about you
I hate to admit, but I'll say.
Once October comes around
The tourist, he finally goes away.

Honestly, my bike rides do suck
From May through September.
There are so many novices
Whose faces I want not to remember.

They get in my way.
They ride in dramatic, dangerous droves.
They don't know what they're doing.
They are idiots, I suppose.

Even worse are the "experts"
With their mile-long peloton.
Hogging my road
I have a finger for you to sit and spin upon.

But Oh in October.
Things do take a turn.
Oh in October.
Fewer bikers to spurn.

It's cold in the mornings
The tourist, he begs.
So, he packs up his bags,
And his puss between his legs.

So, I look forward to 60s.
Or 50s. Or 40s. No colder!
Then I can ride free in my jacket
Not crowded on a sandwiched shoulder.

Don't get me wrong.
Otherwise Fall, it still sucks.
But at least I can ride in peace now
Away from all those stupid, motherless...guys.



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