Sunday, September 27, 2009

Lost in Mental Masturbation

During my first week of living in the Czech Republic (9 years ago), I got invited to a ball. Yeah, a ball! I still carry my ticket in my wallet because I have always felt that this ball was a defining moment in my life. I was out of my comfort zone, and attempting to communicate with people who had no way of communicating with me. I also puked something awful that night because Americans really don't know how to drink. You know you've had a full night when you puke more than you talk.

Anyway, there was a community bus that took us from the ball site back to town (weird, they actually have a mechanism in place so people don't drink and drive), and during this bus ride, there was a Czech comedian playing on the radio. It was amazing to me to be surrounded by over a hundred other people...all of us in silence...and every so often, every single person on that bus would erupt into laughter at something the Czech comedian said...while I sat there and looked out the window at all the snow that blanketed the ground. Their laughter stinging my ears.

***

At the dog park this morning, I got to witness a fascinating conversation between two elderly guys. I'll call them Bob and Larry for the sake of this blog...and here were some of their finer moments:

Bob: So Larry, you get everything done yesterday that you were supposed to?
Larry: What was I supposed to get done?
Bob: I don't know.
Larry: Guess I did, then.

Bob: That dog just went to the bathroom.
Larry: Yup.
Bob: Sure was a good one.

Bob: You working on your crossword puzzle?
Larry: Yup.
Bob: *Silence*
Larry: Say, Bob...you were in the Marines...what's the strap you carry over your shoulder. It starts with Band.
Bob: Bandolero.
Larry: That doesn't seem to work.
Bob: Well, that's what the Mexicans call it.
(For the record, I think he meant Bandoleer)

Bob: Sorry about my dog growling.
Larry: No problem.
Bob: This dog is grumpier than my ex-wife.

On and on they went, and I sat there for over thirty minutes just listening to them, staring at the grass, seeing nothing but green...and just laughing internally at how ridiculous the conversations were.

***

On the way home, I played and replayed the conversations that Bob and Larry had in my head. The more I thought about them, the less funny they became until the moment struck me where I remembered a young kid staring out a window, feeling ostracised...seeing nothing but white.

I don't know if loneliness has a color, but I know what it sounds like. People are talking and laughing...but there is something missing in the words.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

"Clowns and Bikes" are nothing like "Hookers and Blow" Part 1

I get these stupid thoughts sometimes like:

Why do we sleep?

Which then turns into:

What is sleep?


Which, then of course leads to:

Why can't I fit my entire fist into my mouth? (I don't know why...but this really fascinates me)

But this blog isn't about fists, fisting, or anything of the like. I'm writing because after suffering some of the worst and prolonged insomnia of my life (Which of course led to me thinking about what insomnia is and my fist-to-mouth ratio again)...I have had two of the most incredibly deep and relaxing nights of sleep that I can remember in a long time. Unfortunately, when I sleep deeply...I don't dream of anything normal...no sex...no hookers...no blow (this is normal, right?)...I get the following:

Night One

I am walking towards a beach with a giant group of people. We are all partying, screaming, yelling...it appears to be a birthday party for Tauni. I realize that I am going to have to make some sort of toast, and I feel like an idiot because I don't know what to say. So...the only thing I think of possibly saying is:

Here's to Tauni. Here's to Tauni. Here's to Tauni. She's a damn fine gal.

As I finally come to terms that this is what I'm going to say...this guy I know, Mark Clemens, starts drunkenly screaming some jumbled chant that everyone else starts saying...and he has a CRAZY look on his face..like he is drunk out of his mind. I'm telling you...CRAZY LOOKING!!!!

The next thing I know...because of this chant...people are climbing on top of each other and making, what I can only classify as, human totem poles. Higher and higher people went...chanting Clemens's chant again and again.

This of course leads to the people on top of the human totem poles turning into CLOWNS...that's right...CLOWNS...and these clowns then blow up balloons...get on top of the balloons...and try to float away.

But wouldn't you know it. They are unsuccessful. The balloons keep popping..and the clowns plummet back down into the crowd...and the clowns, and the people in the crowd get hurt.

Seriously...what grown man dreams something like this? Clowns? Balloons? Clowns floating on balloons? This dream must mean I'm gay. I'm certain of it.

One website on dream interpretation suggests to ask the following questions of yourself if you have had a dream about a clown:

***

QUESTIONS:

1. Did you feel like a clown on the day before the dream who did not really know what he was doing?

2. Who does the clown with its false smile remind you of?

3. Who in your life seems friendly but is actually a bit false?


***

My Responses:

1. I feel like a clown every day. I never know what I'm doing. It's called being a human being, jackass. I wish I could find the guy who made this website...do you know what you're fucking doing? Can YOUR fist fit in YOUR mouth? I bet so.

2. No one...but now...maybe you, website creator, because your website has not helped me at all.

3. My dog always acts really nice when she wants food. That bitch.


So if anyone has any real suggestions on what this dream means...let me know!

Part 2 to follow.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Tosh.0 is One of the Best Shows on TV

Here is a video from Comedy Central's Tosh.0. If you haven't watched this show yet...you are missing out!



I'M A DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOG!

Monday, September 07, 2009

Farming -- Day One

Tauni and I recently started buying organic and local. Yeah...we truly are THAT kind of yuppie.

Also, we decided to grow some of our own food, too. I'm going to keep track of how terribly this goes.

Here is what Day One looks like:



You'll just have to imagine what the watermelon seeds look like because I planted all of them, but if you look VERY closely, you can see all the other seeds. LOOK CLOSELY I SAID!



We are growing five things: Tomatoes, Carrots, Bok Choy, Corn, and Watermelon...



...but we are growing them two different ways to see which way works better. One way we are trying is inside these peat pellets....never thought I would ever use any kind of pellet...but here we are.






We are also trying to grow our food the "traditional" way, inside soil and pots. Notice how quickly our basil grew!






ok...ok...we bought pre-grown basil.

Wish me luck...I'm sure I'm going to mess this up!