Monday, July 13, 2009

It Sucks Being Us

My girlfriend's friend has what I would consider "a cool job." A job that when you have the mundane "What do you do for a living?" small talk with her, you actually pause and say: "Wow..really? That's cool!!" Don't believe me?

She works with dolphins for a living. Fucking dolphins! Cute, cuddly, intelligent dolphins. Nothing to complain about there.

You know what sucks about being us...no matter how good we have it, no matter how cool our lives might be....we'll find fault. This dolphin job, like all jobs, has its good days and bad days. Sometimes the dolphins bite. Sometimes the dolphins splash. Sometimes they rape sea turtles. It's a vicious cycle.

How sad is this? If even working with dolphins can suck...there really is no hope of ever truly being happy...ever.

Let's review what could be wrong with some of the world's greatest jobs:

Job #1 -- Megan Fox's Underwear Selector:

She always wants me to pick something out 10 minutes before I'm have to leave. If she knows she needs underwear, can't she tell me at 3 and not 4:50?

Job #2 -- Blow Job Receiver:

Stupid Nancy never finishes on time...

Job #3 -- Space/Time Traveler:

God...I'm so sick of finding life on new planets. It's always the same damn thing. Yeah...yeah...you fear our superior intellect. I'm going to cure some disease for you...then you're going to build me a statue...every time...the same thing.

Job #4 -- NBA Superstar:

$10 million? $10 million? I could leave here tomorrow and they would be fucked. They don't even know how to use the copy machine...and they want me to play for $10 million. Why does Stan get $12 million a year...he doesn't do shit.

Job #5 -- Fresh Baked (Nut Free) Chocolate Chip Cookie Taster:

My boss is such an ass. He yelled at me because I only tasted ten cookies this hour...and he wants me to do fifteen. God, if I had his job, I would totally let everyone eat ten cookies/hour....WITH milk.


We are all doomed. All of us. We'll never be happy

8 comments:

Maccerz said...

I used to have to play video games for a living. And it sucked. It took me a couple of years to finally want to play them again. "Oh no, another game to test allllll day?"

Manasse said...

EXACTLY!

Dan said...

My caption-"PeeeYUUUU!!Too bad this puppy isn't gas-powered"

Tauni said...

I get to wear jeans, no makeup and work from home sometimes and I still hate my job... What is the world coming to?

seeryanrun said...

I think the guy in fight club had it right. I get my full salary, and in return you never have to see me again...

ann marie said...

If you were supposed to love your job everyday, they wouldn't have to pay you to do it.

Manasse said...

That's why we don't get paid to be in relationships...

prez said...

Pam might beg to differ with your tag/label...