Ah Kaiser. You are to hospitals as McDonald's is to fast food. You might as well have signs in your patients' rooms that say: "Safe is emptied nightly. We have no bills over $20.00. Don't forget your flu shot."
During my last appointment, Doctor Chuckles comes in with a grin and a handshake. He pretends we have been friends for years, but I'm not sure I would be friends with this buffoon.
Mark Man-ass? he states upon clasping my hand.
Sure. I'm not in the mood to correct him. I just want my diagnosis.
I'm Greg. Your P.A. That is a Physician Assistant.
No...I never saw an actual doctor one time during my recovery...but that's ok...I have never really seen Ronald McDonald in person, either. I know he exists. And I know he is a clown. In fact, Greg has a lot in common with a clown, now that I think about it. He is goofy and probably cries himself to sleep at night. Oh, he also had a rainbow wig on and size twenty shoes.
Nice to meet you, Greg.
So, Mark...you been doing a lot of push ups? How many can you do?
And my heart sinks. Push ups? Was I supposed to do push ups? Did I just fuck up my recovery time? No. I haven't been doing any.
Oh, well. A lot of people say 100.
What the fuck is this guy talking about? He could at least juggle or ride a unicycle or something. His jokes were falling flatter than Mylie Cyrus's ground breaking Fly on the Wall Um..ok. Was I supposed to be doing push ups?
No transition, he just moves on. So how long has it been since your injury? Nine weeks?
Yeah, a little over.
He doesn't look at the x-ray. Doesn't touch my shoulder. How does it feel?
Well, you're fine, then. But don't go lifting weights at the gym tomorrow or anything. Snicker, snicker, snicker. And then he snorted. SNORTED. And snickered some more.
OK, well, I kind of want to start training for triathlons again. Is that ok?
Yes. Just don't fall off your bike. That would be bad. I couldn't tell you what would happen. But just don't fall. That could be very, very bad.
And so I am listening to him and thinking: What the fuck is wrong with Doctor Chuckles? Don't fall? Don't fucking fall? Why the fuck would I want to fall?
My entire time with him lasted about two minutes. In the past twenty four hours, I have run two miles, swum 800 yards, and biked 10 miles. Everything feels pretty good...and I have done Greg proud.
I haven't fallen. Not one time. Snicker, snicker, snort.