Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Could You Love Me Like My Dog...Owner

When I was in college, my girlfriend gave me a cutesie book entitled Could You Love Me Like My Dog, by Beth Flowers.

In it, it gives page after page of quotes like "Could you always protect me" or "Could you never stop putting your head in my lap." Shit like that...clearly, the catch being, to describe things dogs do that would be romantic if a person did them, too.

This got me thinking about how fucking crazy dog owners are. I have been spending a lot of time at dog parks recently...and seriously, next to engineers, dog owner's have to be the most socially inept people in the world (myself excluded, of course.) So if I were to write a book about the situation, I would entitle it Could You Love Me Like My Dog Owner...and here are some of the quotes it would contain:

Could you ask my how old my dog is every time you see me because you either have zero memory or are deaf?

Could you only talk to me like your dog is actually talking to me and you are just playing the voice inside his head because you are incapable of carrying out true person-to-person interaction that doesn't involve your dog?

Could you mention the size and color of your dog's poop on a regular basis?

Could you tell me how purebred your dog is like it is some sort of reflection of your familial line?

Could you think you are original when you say my dog looks like the Men in Black dog?

Could you either (a) dress up like you are going to a debutante ball or (b) like you just got finished with a gangbang with no in between while at the park?

Could you say that "my dog never does that home" as it tries to hump the poor, blind kid in the wheelchair.

Look for it in paperback soon!


Tauni said...

HaHa! You forgot the people who tell you everytime that they "rescued" their obviously purebred dog that is barely not a puppy....right....

Manasse said...

True story...just ten minutes ago:

Hey...is that the Men in Black Dog? Does he talk?

I wish I could legally punch people.

seeryanrun said...

Could I try and find an entry in the DSM for the way your dog reacts when I enter your house?

ann marie said...

could you eat a hole through the crotch of my jeans?

could you pee in the living room?

Manasse said...

Interesting things for a dog owner to say...remind me to put my jeans away when you come over.