Monday, June 01, 2009

Bitchiness Can Come in All Sizes

I saw Up last night. A pretty good movie. Heartwarming, really. My favorite character was Doug, a talking Golden Retriever (I think). He was the every dog: Dumb, loyal, slobber-filled. He made me think of my pug, Maggie, a lot.

Except for one thing.

Maggie, at times, is a real bitch.

I have definitely written about her...prima donna...nature before. But certain aspects of her personality become more and more defined as she gets older. And if she could talk, like Doug, I sometimes wonder what she would say. For example, when we go to the Starbucks drive thru near my house.

Maggie does not like this drive thru AT ALL...and she lets me know that every single time we go there by screaming bloody murder once we are in line. My normally mild-mannered and pre-occupied-by-crotch-licking dog becomes INCENSED by, I presume, a lack of control and waste of her time.

So, I offer to you the conversation I would have with Maggie in the Starbucks drive thru if she could talk like Doug from Up.

Me: OK. We are almost there. Are you going to keep it down today?

Maggie: What do you mean?

Me: We are almost...yeah know...there.

Maggie: Well, I honestly have no idea what you are talking about. I love going for rides, and always sit back here quietly. I am insulted that you would suggest otherwise.

Me: Really? OK..well, STARBUCKS is just up the street...and that is where we are going.

Maggie: What did you just say?

Me: I said Starbucks. We are almost there...and we are going to use the drive thru. Are you going to be able to handle that?

Maggie: Surely, sir, you jest. You aren't really going to...

Starbucks Employee: Welcome to Starbucks...can I take your order?

Maggie: MARK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: Shhh...I'm trying to order. I'll have a...

Maggie: You better turn this car around. You better get me the fuck out of here right now. I swear...I am going to LOSE MY SHIT if you don't.

Me: Maggie...NO...bad dog. No!!!!

Maggie: You think you can shush me? Who the fuck do you think you are? Now either you keep driving the fucking car to the fucking park, or so help me I will take a dump right on your face. And I ate that pizza you left out...so you know I've got diarrhea.

Me: Seriously. Maggie. BE QUIET.

Maggie: Oh. I see how it is. You the "big man" now. You the "alpha male." Listen here, alpha boy, I pissed on the remote. Yeah...I pissed all over it...and every time you changed the channel last night, I just laughed and laughed. How you like that? You like that? Now, unless you get the hell out of this drive thru in the next twenty seconds, you won't know how...and you won't know when...but you WILL find a little something I like to call regurgitated field mouse in your shoe. So what's it going to be?

Me: You are a real bitch sometimes, you know that?


Oh...she knows. She just doesn't care.

4 comments:

Tauni said...

"I am going to LOSE MY SHIT..." and she does every time...

so funny!

ann marie said...

That's weird. Murphy never complains when I bring him to Gelato Vero or Influx. Maybe Maggie just feels that you should support your local coffee shop rather than spend your consumer dollar at the corporate cancer of coffee venues.

danban said...

I'm pretty sure you're her pet....

Maccerz said...

http://manasseworld.blogspot.com/2009/06/could-you-love-me-like-my-dogowner.html

Ironic...