Friday, May 22, 2009

Would Somebody Please Think About the Children (Five Down, Seven? To Go)

I went for a doctor's visit yesterday and received some great news. My doctor said, and I quote:

You are healing like a child.

I'm not a smart man; in fact, some might argue I am neither smart NOR a man...so I queried: Is that a good thing?

Yes...yes...that means you are healing very quickly and faster than expected.

And for the first time in weeks, I actually felt something other than a sharp, stabbing pain in my shoulder. I felt something that felt like...glee...and I wasn't even at a prostate exam!

***

But this conversation got me to thinking about the word "child," and the ramifications of using this word to describe someone.

Clearly, as we all just learned, "healing like a child" is a GOOD thing!

But being a "child molester," well that is bad (Yes, Chris...very, very bad).

Being a "child prodigy" seems pretty cool, but maybe packed with too much pressure...and what if one is prodigious at something stupid like playing the flute. Yeah...I said it...and we were all thinking it. Nobody really likes the flute, homo.

A "child star" seems like it could be good...if you want to end up a drug addict by the age of 13. And don't even get me started on "child pornography." How do you think Mylie Cyrus got her start?

There are situations where being "with child" could be one of the happiest moments of someone's life...but the entire birthing process ultimately seems wet and messy. If I want wet and messy, I'll just buy another dog.

I can't think of many occasions where being considered "child like" has a good light. Maybe if you murdered someone and your attorney uses this as a strategy for averting the death penalty. But that seems extreme.

A "child psychologist" seems like a crap job. You are most likely treating the effect (the child) not the cause (the parent). That's a lot like talking to an empty carton of ice cream. There might have been something good in there before...but I don't remember where I put the whipped cream.

When someone tries to tap into his "inner child," I believe that is only a euphemism for "I am about to cheat on my wife." And that's a no-no....isn't it? Well...I'll just chalk that up to a "maybe."

Point being, not only did I have a great checkup yesterday, I actually received the best compliment possible that contained the word "child" in it!

Who says HMOs suck?

3 comments:

ann marie said...

see . . . I told you that you were like a 12 year old child. . .

Maccerz said...

You barbeque like Julia Child...

Manasse said...

Nice one!