Saturday, May 16, 2009

Man Code, Broken

As I finished peeing in the urinal on campus yesterday, another man walks into the bathroom towards the sink. I don't want to have any real interaction with him (Man Code), so I hesitate and pretend I am still going when I am clearly done. Not even a drop left....I stand and wait for him to hurry up and leave.

After about fifteen to twenty seconds of waiting for him to finish at the one sink in the bathroom, he hasn't budged. He has his right foot on the counter, and he is using paper towels to dab his forehead AND shine his shoes. What a multitasker.

I look at the ground (Man Code), and start to walk towards him. He says "What's up, man? How are you?"(Man Code, Broken). I don't know him...so he really shouldn't speak to me unless we accidentally make eye contact somehow. Confused, I say "Fine."

He backs up to let me use the sink he has been crowding, but he is still standing between me and the paper towels. Did I mention he has a gun? Because he does...he is a sheriff, and I wouldn't think a thing about it, until he starts talking to me again:

"Nice day, huh?" (Man Code, Broken).

I feel at a loss and cannot figure out what is going on..."Um, yeah?" And hope this awkward transaction is over. I just want to dry my hands.

"You going to graduation?" (Man Code, Broken)

"No...no, I'm not." And here we are...now in the middle of an actual conversation in a place meant for release and solitude (Man Code). But...I am, and always will be, an idiot. So, I engage him to see where this goes to fuck with him (Man Code): "Are you?"

This was clearly a mistake. He then tells me how he has to go because he is running security...and how it is in a nice part of La Jolla...on and on he went. His feet now alternating on the counter as he continues to shine his perfectly shiny shoes...

In the middle of one sentence, he puts both legs on the floor, and appears to be done. I decide to make a lunge for it. I reach across him to get to the paper towels, and as soon as I do, he kicks one of legs right back on the sink so that I run into him. My hand simultaneously on the paper towel dispenser and my torso on his inner knee and thigh (Man Code, [very, very, very] Broken).

Did I mention he had a gun?

I say "EXCUSE ME," quickly dry my hands, and turn to leave. I get to the door...I push it open...and although you won't believe me...he really did say the following:

"Hey, Buddy?"

Almost to freedom, one foot in and one foot out of the restroom: "Yeah?"

"How do my pants look?"

"What?"

"How do my pants look? Are they too big?" (Man Code, Destroyed)

And I paused for what seemed like eternity to me. I didn't know what to make of the past three minutes of my life. But a sort of courage took over me as the sun was glowing on my back...so, you know what I did...and this is the God's honest truth...I made a spinny motion, counter-clockwise with my index finger pointing up...signaling for him to turn in a circle so I could see.

And he did. He turned around for me...360 degrees...my little ballerina.

As I left, I lied. I said they were fine...but his pants were clearly too big. I just didn't have the heart to tell him (Man Code?).

I think he knew.

8 comments:

ann marie said...

was there foot tapping involved?

Lali said...

We all know that you wanted to hold his gun but you were afraid to ask.

Manasse said...

Or maybe I left that part out of my blog.

Maccerz said...

Coulda been worse. He could have asked you if his balls looked big in his pants.

prez said...

You really do meet the most interesting people. I never have these kinds of experiences.

There must be something about me that makes those people completely ignore me.

Manasse said...

If he asked me about his balls, I would classify him as "interesting."

katie b said...

hahahhahahahahahhahahahhahahaa

hahahahha

(breathing)

hahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahha

priceless :)

Blonde Goddess said...

HAHAHA! This dude sounds just like a friend of mine who happens to be a Deputy Sheriff.
Maybe they're trained to break the man code?