Tuesday, May 05, 2009

I Don't Know Anymore. I Just Don't

So I have had a couple of weeks to sit, reflect, and mope about my shoulder, and something is bothering me. I don't have an answer about it either...all I have is time to keep wondering.

I would say I have been seriously biking for about three years...and never had a serious issue. Once it took me about 30 minutes to change a flat because my gears were jacked up (sorry, Darron)....but beyond that...nada until about one month ago when a series of unconnected? events happened one after the other. And it's killing me because I don't know if I am giving them meaning or if they have meaning in themselves.

***

Not Good: First, I went riding with my training partner, and while waiting for him at one point...my tire EXPLODES and gets a huge gash in it while I am sitting there doing NOTHING. WEIRD. Not riding. Waiting. BOOM. Tire destroyed. The ride needs to get cut short...and according to my Garmin...we do 28-ish miles or so. Result: No more riding that day.

Bad: Five days later, in the middle of riding...I get stung by a bee at about 20 miles into my ride, and can't continue riding. Result: No more riding that day.

Worse: The next day, I somehow get diagnosed with pneumonia out of nowhere. Result: No riding for a week.

Terrible: Eight days later, I somehow get flung off my bike while going about 20-25 miles/hour breaking my collarbone. No other bike or car involved....again, about 28-ish miles into the ride. I'm on my bike...then...not. Result: No riding for about three months.

***

And this is what has been eating at me. How? How is this possible?

This can't be coincidence, can it? Can it? Is this my insignificant and fragile psyche/self giving meaning to meaningless events so that I don't feel isolated and alone? Am I merely a victim of bad timing/luck? Is there nothing "bigger" going on here?

Was it meant to be? Was this my fate? Was something REALLY bad going to happen to me at my race? Was the world saving me...telling me don't do that race?

Did I influence my world and make these things happen to me? Did I subconsciously not want to race so I made my tire explode...had a bee sting me...made myself sick...and when all that didn't work...I broke me?

***

Normally, I would chalk all this up to coincidence because I'm so "educated" and "agnostic" and "in control." What I see is real, right?

But maybe I had it all wrong. Maybe I don't have it all figured out. The weeks before I broke my collarbone sucked. So have the weeks after. But my collarbone isn't the only thing broken here. So is my vision of my world. I ask again: This can't all be coincidence, can it? Can it?

I don't know anymore. I just don't.

8 comments:

seeryanrun said...

Dude, you're starting to sound like me. Wait, I didn't get drunk and write that post for you, did I? Don't sweat it, man. Wildflower ain't going anywhere and it's only gonna get meaner. You'll get your chance.

Maccerz said...

Not good: I was waiting in the bushes with a PSG-1 sniper rifle and took out your tire.

Bad: For years I've been training attach dogs with bees in their mouth, and when they bark they shoot bees. I let loose one of those dogs on that day.

Worse: For about a week before you went to the doctor, while you were sleeping I ejaculated every night into your mouth. Some of that ejaculate must have gotten into your lungs and caused your pneumonia.

Terrible: Well, that one is just plain bad luck. Sucks to be you.

ann marie said...

The cosmic joke is that there is no meaning in any of it. Life is a random sequence of events; some good, some bad, some neutral, some what you make it. You're just in a bad patch. Wait it out . . .

Michelle Panik said...

I'm with Ann Marie. Life is cruelly meaningless, and people choose to attribute significance to things or not. But either way, the world doesn't care.

On a related topic, when you're able to ride again, may I suggest a trainer?

Manasse said...

Normally I would agree...these just seem like unusual, meaningless coincidences.

Shasta said...

Human beings are pattern seeking animals. It is one of the ways we have evolved to avoid dangerous situations: something bad happens, so we avoid whatever is/was associated with the bad. Problem here is that correlation is not causation, so sometimes you end up avoiding things that are completely unrelated to the bad thing. In this case, you are seeing a pattern of bad things, all bike related, and they seem significant... BUT THEY'RE NOT. They are no more significant than the occasional time your daily horoscope seems right on. Don't be a victim of confirmation bias! There is no deeper meaning here.
BTW... could any of these thoughts be pain-med related? :)

prez said...

I dreamed this!

Tauni said...

I like to find correlations between seemingly unrelated things and give meaning to meaningless events... Both of thse things bring me joy!