Friday, May 08, 2009

12 Steps (Three Weeks Down...Ten to Go)

As a reader of my blog, I can only assume you are familiar with 12 Step Programs. If you regularly read this, you are most likely a drug addict, a loser, and/or gay. Some of you are probably all three. Point being, here is what I am going through.

Twelve Steps To Collarbone Recovery

Week 1: I Am Powerless (aka My fucking arm doesn't work) -- During this stage, the injured collarbone is literally powerless. You can't move it because the bone is not attached to the joint. This shit hurts so much, you can't even masturbate. Yeah...it's like that!

Week 2: There is a power greater than me (aka God likes to fuck with people) -- During this stage, you start to itch in places you can no longer reach...and your armpit smells from lack of air circulation. You may or may not be able to wipe your own ass. Even your own dog thinks "That dude smells. I lick my own asshole every five minutes...but I aint licking that guy."

Week 3: Turn my life over to a greater power (aka Invest in a large stick) -- The greatest thing about being an "evolved" animal is that you can choose to worship false idols when it suits you best. Personally, I believe in Stick. Stick scratches me. That's pretty spiritual when you've had a itchy ass for three weeks.

Week 4: Moral inventory (aka What did I do to deserve this bullshit) -- At this stage, you reflect on all the other injuries you've had. The thought "I'm a fucking klutz" comes to mind when you think about the number of bones you have broken...and you are pretty sure you must have raped a midget in previous life. You only hope he was an evil midget and somewhat deserved it because you don't want much more punishment in this life.

Week 5: Admit I am wrong (aka Realize you are just a jerk, and you had this coming) -- OK...so no one saw you swipe that chick's underwear from her house...but you knew it wasn't right. It was even worse to follow her around with them sticking out of your coat pocket like a handkerchief. But seriously, did you have to send them back to her with you in them while you were wearing nothing else? Getting pushed down some stairs and breaking your collarbone seems like the punishment fits the crime, weird-o.

Week 6: Ready to remove my defects (aka You just suck, invalid) -- After six weeks, you really just want to be healed. You feel the "trendy" and "strappy" sling is a bit played out at this point.

Week 7: Ask a higher power to remove the defects (aka Beg, pussy) -- You lost Stick weeks ago...and your dog isn't going to help you do shit unless you bathe in bacon grease. Why not? You'll try anything once. Covered in bacon grease, you beg your dog to help you get your sling off. Your dog asks you to sit and rollover before she helps you take off the damn thing. She gives you the "How do you like it" look. Fuck her, anyway. You had her fixed for a reason.

Week 8: List people I have wronged (aka Think about people you could beat at a triathlon if you weren't hurt) -- It's a short list. Stick is on it. So is some guy named Brian Gunn. Don't ask.

Week 9: Make amends (aka Start moving your arm) It's been two months. You finally have the ability to look at your bike again. You have saved up enough money for a sledgehammer...and you have already written your bike's eulogy. In the speech, you mention what a nice bike it WAS. Your bike cries, but you don't give a shit...

Week 10: Continue admitting how wrong I am (aka You are Catholic or Jewish) You haven't stalked any women in months...but Stick and your dog do hide from you in the corner in the fetal position. You keep doing arm curls in preparation of fucking your bike up.

Week 11: Meditate to connect with a higher power (aka Your arm stopped throbbing, so you can finally get some sleep) -- You start to realize you never purchased a stick, you don't own a dog...and your bike is incapable of crying. You did steal some chick's underwear, though. You really are a sick fuck.

Week 12: Connect to others (aka Finally leave your house, recluse) Your arm is all better. You don't have much desire to kills others anymore. Much. You start bike riding again only to fall off and break something else. Man, maybe that midget wasn't evil after all.

6 comments:

Tauni said...

At least you have a plan for the next few weeks... I think I can find some bacon grease for you...

prez said...

I look forward to week 13.

ann marie said...

somebody needs a hug . . . unfortunately that same somebody just shot up from slightly creepy to full blown perv

Manasse said...

I am just honored that at one point in time in my life that I was not considered a "full blown perv" by someone besides Darron's mom.

Manasse said...

We are almost another week closer to week 13, Darron.

Maccerz said...

THAT'S where my thong went...