Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Tuck You

A day in the life of a guy who is still not as skinny as he should be.

By Mark Manasse

Mid morning:

I went to the dentist today. The dental assistant, Lisa, was having some issues putting the film in my mouth to take X-Rays. I have never met this person before. Alas, she still says, and I quote:

"Go figure, such a big guy with such a little, narrow mouth."

Interesting. Interesting. Way to "get to know me," Lisa. If I may retort.

Clearly, not only do men have to have a complex about how tall they are, how big their feet are, and how big their dong is...now I have to worry if my mouth is big enough? What the heck am I going to stick in there? I can't imagine the girth of anything bigger than the present width of my mouth that needs to be inserted into my "narrow" passage way. Nope. Not one thing. Not one.

On top of that..."Such a big guy." Seriously. "Such a big guy." Lisa, I'm not sure if you have looked in the mirror lately, but you were REALLY filling out your pink scrubs. I may not be a thin man, but your butt was still rubbing up against me as you left the room to protect yourself from the X-rays.

You know what I want, Lisa? I want to see a tiny guy with a really big fucking mouth. Just a midget with Andre the Giant's head. That's what I want to see. Would THAT make you happy?

"Such a big guy."


But...maybe she said this for a reason.

Early Morning:

One thing fat people do when they start to lose weight is they start wearing clothes in ways they shouldn't be wearing them yet. For example, I tucked my shirt in this morning. I have lost over thirty pounds the past few months, so I got all cocky....and thought I was ready for the tuck. I even asked Tauni before I left if I looked like a "fat, obese lard" with my shirt tucked in or only "kind of a fat, obese lard."

Of course, since I know where she sleeps, she is obligated to say "You look fine. Tuck your shirt in. No one will even notice." With this confidence instilled in me...I go off to the dentist.

"Go figure, such a big guy with such a little, narrow mouth" ensues.

But that wasn't the worst of it.

Early Afternoon:

On Tuesdays, I teach an advanced ESOL class. These people can fully communicate in English, but they have some lingering grammar problems, and they don't know all the words to use in all situations.

For example, during the middle of an activity I was walking around and helping people. This group of three students in the middle of the room keeps looking at me, then whispering, then looking at me again. Eventually, I say "Do you guys have a question?"

The two Asian girls get very shy and look away. Not the Latino guy, though. He starts pushing his hand down in front of his shirt mimicking a "tucking" action and asks "What do you call it when you put your shirt inside your pants?"

I say "Tuck?"

He says "Yes. Tuck. You tuck your shirt today."

I say "Wow. Yeah. I did tuck my shirt in today. I can't believe you noticed."

Then one of the Asian girls pipes up "Yeah. It looks very weird."

Thanks, sweetheart. It will look even weirder next semester when I flunk your ass.

And Tauni, you lying sack of poo, when someone asks you to distinguish between "fat and obese" and just "kind of fat and obese" don't go off script. Just pick one of the choices given to you.


ann marie said...

who tucks anymore?

Manasse said...

Not me!

Maccerz said...

I tuck at work. You have to do the strategic "pull out" to hide the rolls of fat. Then, if you start to look like Grimace you can just blame the shirt.

prez said...

I blame the Del Taco Raving Fan eClub.

Manasse said...

Shrimp for brains!