Saturday, January 10, 2009

My Dog, The Sexual Deviant

She's not yet three years old, but I am seeing the signs. No, she doesn't kill small animals, but Maggie, the famed Pug, does have a few other habits that make me wonder about her sanity:

First: She can't get enough of her own crotch.

I would say Maggie is licking, smelling, or looking at her own pee hole 22.7 hours/day. I don't think I'm speaking out of jealousy here (right), but that is just a little too much. I know dogs lick themselves, but obsess much? I've watched her (oh, how I've watched her) spend a good thirty minutes straight intently licking her own nether regions before, and have tried to put a stop to it:

Maggie...STOP THAT

And all she'll do is look up at me, wag her little tail, bat her innocent little Pug eyes, and go right back to her rhythmic tongue cleansing of love.

Second: She can't get enough of our crotches.

Heaven forbid either Tauni or I don't directly put our underwear into the hamper. If we just drop them on the bathroom floor or NEAR the laundry, you will hear the following throughout the house:

SNIFF...SNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIF...SNIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

As Maggie buries her face in them...picks them up in her mouth, and tries to make off with them so she can "be alone" (her words).

I'm going to chalk this up to CREEPY, Darron-like actions.

Third: Her porn collection.

Now, I'm not sure how she was approved for a credit card in the first place, but why she would use it for such movies as:

Puggie Star Whores

Puggie Does Dallas

and, my favorite

Barely Legal Puggies

I just really don't know.

I have asked Tauni (as her mother), to talk to Maggie about safe sex as well as her sexuality, but she just hasn't done it yet.

I am just getting a little concerned because I looked at Maggie's credit card statement, and she is expecting Single White Pug in the mail any day now.

Scary.

7 comments:

prez said...

From you, all right?!?! She learned it from watching YOU!!!

Manasse said...

Here is Maggie. Here is Maggie on porn.

Any questions?

ann marie said...

You are LUCKY if Maggie only sniffs your undies. I have two pairs of once normal, but now crotchless jeans. Oh . . . and after his "surgery", I had to invest in a cone to keep Murphy from licking himself 24/7. Maggie's about his size if you want to borrow it . . .

Middento said...

Wait, all this talk of pugs and porn and there are no pictures? I mean, please.

Manasse said...

Middento: Go to www.puggieporn.com

Duh!

Anonymous said...

I am in tears over this, and can totally picture you watching her for 30 minutes, your mind churning of a new blog.

How about kitty litter poo, or more commonly known to dogs as Almond Roca treats?

Maccerz said...

Hmm... I have some movies Maggie could borrow. I bet she would enjoy "Anal Pugs" and "Anal Pugs XVII". The theme is simple: Using pugs as... uhm... plugs...

I'd lend her the rest of the series, but I still haven't gotten them back from Darron.