Thursday, January 08, 2009

Browns Tailgater Cited For Driving Motorized Couch

I read that quote in ESPN The Magazine, and laughed out loud a couple of mornings ago. Not only is the vision it creates absolutely hilarious to me (because, seriously, where can I get a motorized couch, god damn it?), but it made me think of my Christmas Eve.


Tauni and I are not the best Christmas shoppers. We both mean well, but the past few years, we haven't made it to the store to do Christmas shopping until 12/24. We have even started giving each other pictures of the things that are "coming in the mail" because we both procrastinated too long.

As you can imagine, stores are a, what's the word...CROWDED on Christmas Eve. And let me tell you...there is NOT much Christmas spirit to be found.

You see, people who are part of this Christmas-Shopping-At-The-Last-Minute-Fraternity all have something in common, I believe...we fucking hate shopping. We would create a secret handshake to make our club official, we just haven't gotten to it yet. Someone create an arbitrary deadline, would ya?

So anyway, Tauni and I get to Fashion Valley Mall on Christmas Eve at about 2:00 PM...and this place is a madhouse. They have parking attendants with red jackets, cones, and it appears maybe even the National Guard to help people navigate. God Bless America (and our tax dollars), indeed.

We get into the parking lot, and within thirty seconds, wouldn't you know it...a man up in the distance, say 20 feet, points to me, points to his spot, and gives me the "I'm leaving and you can have my spot because I need to get the Hell out of this madness" look. I give him the ol' cheesy grin and thumbs up...and I felt a warm, holiday cheer come over me.

How nice, I think. Maybe this won't be so bad, after all.

Off in the distance, another car, sees this man leaving, and speeds up to cut me off (in the parking lot), so that they can have his spot. I find this to be slightly odd behavior, so I then position my car in such a way that this interloper cannot get in front of me and take the spot.

So now imagine, if you even can, the verbal tirade that I am receiving from this other parking spot seeker. I can see him, in his car, yelling and gesticulating in a way that would make a Baptist preacher proud.

I pull into the now-vacant spot, and my competition pulls up behind me and waits. And waits. And waits for me to get out of my car.

I get out, walk towards him...and he really gives me a piece of his mind:

Mr. Christmas Spirit: You know, there is only one word for a person like you.

Me: Yeah?

Mr. Christmas Spirit: Yeah. It's stupid. You're just stupid.

Me: And a Merry Christmas to you, too, sir.

And I walk off, and hope that my tires and windows are all intact upon my return from increasing my credit card debt.


So, when I read about driving the motorized couch, it made me think of this guy and how I wished I could have been driving a couch...because I could have then retorted:

Yeah, well, I may be stupid, but at least I own a motorized couch.

I have no idea why my mind made this connection...but it did...and so here we are...

Thank you for wasting two-to-three minutes of your life reading about the random connections my mind makes.


ann marie said...

I don't remember the last time I
was at the mall. They invented this thing called the internet. You can do all your shopping from the comfort of your computer.

Maccerz said...

Seriously. The only people who go to malls for Christmas shopping are stupid people. That's what that person was trying to tell you. You should just go to Amazon.