Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Things People Do That Annoy Me

It annoys me when...

A movie comes out based on, derived from, or adapted out of a novel, and every time that movie is mentioned, a person says: I really LOVED that book. Oh, they made a movie about it? I had no idea... Really? Then why have I heard you say that ten times? We all think you are very well read...now shut the fuck up.

Someone says or (better yet) writes: That being said... What the fuck does that mean? Who is that? What is that? Try making sense while wasting my time...

Upon finding out that I am deathly allergic to peanuts, I am asked if I have ever eaten a Snicker's bar. No, you idiot...what does "deathly" mean to you? *In a Joe Pesci Voice* What? I'm scary how? Like a ghost? Am I here to haunt you?

Students ask after missing a day of class: Did I miss anything? Nope...nope...we shut down school when you aren't here...so we did absolutely nothing during your absence. I'm just glad you came back to class today...otherwise, we all would have gotten REALLY far behind.

People can't remember my last name, and guess at it with such absurdities as Mr. Manassass or Mr. McNassass, or my personal favorite Mr. Smith.

I have to watch a game with bad announcers who clearly just copy what they have heard other announcers say. It's like a modern day version of playing telephone, except I have tapped the line, and have to listen to a bunch of retards over and over again. Normally, I would pay to listen to retards...but not during Laker games...Laker time is retard-free time, by law.

People say "...And I thought you were an English Professor..." at the stupidest times...like after I make a text messaging or IMing typo. Who are you? Better yet, what are you? I feel like retorting: Yeah, and I thought you were a fucking normal person, but...eek...guess I'm as good at judging personalities as I am at constructing complex and error-free ideas such as "Thx..c u 2 nite" via my cell phone. I'll be sure not to leave out any pertinent information in the future so that you can see the thematic undertones of my IMs if you are going to become a literary critic over every single one of them. How about this, Faulkner, why don't you learn what a fucking indefinite third-person singular pronoun is and how to use one before you comment on the fact that I left out a vowel during my drunk text last Saturday at midnight.

And finally...

Hollywood makes fifteen fucking wedding movies/year in a not so veiled attempt to glamorize the institution for young women, so that they only become terribly disappointed later when the "love of their life" realizes that they only got married because they were "supposed to" not necessarily because they wanted to.

Case in point, there is this movie coming out soon called "Bride Wars." Yeah, that's right, "Bride Wars." Want to know the complex intricacies of this brain buster? Here is what I got from Rottentomatoes.com:

Anyone who has seen BRIDEZILLAS or known their (uh-oh, there's that indefinite pronoun mistake...and I thought you were a movie synopsiser) own frantic fiancée understands that weddings can bring out the worst in people. This comedy stars Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson as two brides-to-be who become former friends and new rivals when they schedule their weddings on the same day..

Rivals? They actually fuck with each other for what I guess is about one hour. If my calculations are correct (and you know they are), they will have about a twenty-minute build up where we get to see how close they were as friends, then the one hour of "hilarity" ensues (from the previews, it appears that rascal Kate Hudson tricks Anne Hathaway into becoming orange during a tanning session...what a goof! Then, Anne Hathaway, not to be out done, tricks Kate Hudson into dyeing her hair blue...And you know how women feel about their hair! Yes, true comedy here, folks), followed by about another fifteen minutes of resolution where we learn the moral: This is a stupid fucking movie....and you just wasted 1.5 hours of your life and about $12.00. But golly, those two girls sure are cute!

Seriously. This is a movie? (And if someone tells me they read the book...) What the hell is this telling the 16-year-olds who are going to see this shit? (a) I must get married (b) It must be lavish (c) I am going to fuck with anyone who stands in my way. Super....

I remember after my buddy Chris and I watched How to Lose A Guy in Ten Days (strangely, also with Kate Hudson)in the theatre (don't ask...) we both wanted to punch each other in the balls. There were these two teen-age chicks sitting behind us who APPLAUDED...APPLAUDED after the movie was over...so we both simultaneously, and without planning, STOOD UP AND GLARED AT THEM...how bad does a movie have to be to actually physically move and give someone the stink eye? We were later arrested for "Bullying After Shitty Movies" (This is actually called The Kate Hudson Law)...

Point being, I'm sick of this. No more wedding movies. No more cop buddy movies. No movies about cars going really, really fast.

That being said (tee hee), can we just get some original thought...how about a movie about cop buddies getting married inside a really, really fast car.

10 comments:

Tauni said...

If they don't make wedding movies, cop movies and car movies we would be left with more superhero, bad horror, and kids movies - lesser of tow evils maybe?

Tauni said...

and you can suck on "that being said" becuase I say that all the time.... it is right up there with but, um , so and you know

seeryanrun said...

Only if the car the cops get married in has a bomb in that will explode if they go less than...fuck it, never mind.

Manasse said...

There's a bomb...on the bus...what do you do, Jack? What do you do?

Um...get married?

Shoot...yeah, that's right. But I turned your hair blue...so, yeah, you didn't see that coming!

danban said...

well now you're just stealing from speed mixed in with a little i now pronounce you chuck and larry! what's next, gonna throw in a little sex and the city and see if a blockbuster ensues?!?!

Tauni said...

Don't get him started on his disdain for Sex and the City that is a whole different blog...

Manasse said...

Fuck Sex In The City.

Lali said...

Dear Mike Smith -

I couldn't help but notice that your blog went from a list of annoying things to a rant about how the movie industry is misleading young women about the true meaning of marriage... Are you starting to feel the itch to get married????

Maybe you were hoping for a Simpsons-themed wedding and you're upset that Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway ruined your idea for Tauni to have blue Marge-esqe hair.

Love,

Lali

Lali said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maccerz said...

I didn't have any problem with those girls in the movie theatre. I actually really enjoyed the movie, and was glaring at them in agreement.