Monday, November 17, 2008

Chicken Bones Jonesin

This is a weird thing to say, but for the past 36 hours or so, I have had a chicken bone lodged in my throat.

No. This isn't comfortable.

No. It's not an entire wing, nor leg.

It's a small bone. Bite sized. Big enough to swallow, half-way.

The internet is a great place. I have learned about numerous remedies because, as I have found, there are many other idiots in this world that have also gotten chicken bones lodged in their throats. My brothers!

Yes, I have tried "eating a lump of boiled rice." In fact, I attempted to eat many lumps. That bone wouldn't budge.

Yes, I have tried eating "balls of bread." Strike two!

Yes, I have even tried eating bananas...the bone is still there...but man, I'm fucking full after all the rice, bread, and bananas.

And yes, I have to admit...I even tried gargling vinegar. I don't recommend it. It tastes like vinegar.

And yes, I also went on the look out for some "Root of Clematis," but this stuff is hard to come by...and is too close in spelling to Mark Clemens, a close friend of mine, that I don't like imagining ingesting.

***

The best part about having something incredibly stupid like this happen to you, is all the other advice you get:

Have you tried swallowing it? No...I didn't think of that. Hey, you seem to be quite the "out of the box" kind of thinker. Any financial advice for me?

You should drink lots of water. Just tilt your head back while you drink. Great. Now I'm choking AND have a stupid chicken bone lodged in my throat.

Try "loosening up" your throat. You try loosening up YOUR throat, you idiot.

Stop using your teeth. Sorry...that's a different conversation.

So...it's just a waiting game now. Best case scenario...I get to poke a hole in my trachea. I have always wanted to do that.

8 comments:

Tauni said...

Maybe the people giving you advice we just trying to help you, trachea boy.....

gunnbr said...

Well I'll add my stupid advice since it's not one of the ones I've seen you mention.

Have you tried going to a doctor and having them reach down your throat and take it out?

Failing that... have you tried having one of your friend get some improvised forceps and pull it out?

You also failed to provide the most important piece of information: exactly how did this chicken bone get in your throat? How can the rest of us prevent this same situation from occurring to us?

seeryanrun said...

Maybe when you finally do hack it up, it'll tell you your fortune.

As far as improvised forceps...maybe use two more chicken bones like chopsticks. Yeah, that'll end well.

Lali said...

I vote for the "Deep Throat" technique.

Manasse said...

Gunn asked: "You also failed to provide the most important piece of information: exactly how did this chicken bone get in your throat?"

You remember that episode of South Park where people eat food in their butts and poop out of their mouths...

ann marie said...

first peanuts and now chicken . . . I think you should switch to baby food for a while

Maheanuu Tane said...

I hope that you have visited your doctor. I knew a man who had a fish bone lodge in his throat, and he lost his vocal chords. You are in a perilous position, and I would Run, not walk to a Dr's office or your local emergency room...

Just this old chief's 2¢

Having lived most of my life in the tropics, I have seen minor things bloom into life threatening disasters.

Maccerz said...

I'm with Lali. My cock is always available for rent.

By cock, I really mean rooster, not my penis. I have a pet cock who is excellent at removing chicken bones from throats.

He does it with his little rooster cock.