Friday, September 05, 2008

Mechanically Declined

My final triathlon of the summer is coming up next week in Washington DC. I barely reached my fundraising goal of $1900...but through a little nudging of my friends, I got over the final "hump."

As usual, I had a fundraising contest...and whoever donated the most to my Leukemia and Lymphoma Society account got to challenge me to one wild and crazy dare. To get the final few hundred dollars, I let a few of my friends pool their money together to motivate them to donate. We'll call them the Phallus-less Foursome.

Donate they did...combining to donate $251...a full $1.00 more than my highest donator (sorry, Led). The cocky little bastards then started to taunt me with how horrible their dare was going to be. No hints. Just smirks and laughs at my upcoming fate. That just wouldn't do!

So, in a moment of brilliance, Tauni decided to donate another $175 to put her total donation amount to $275. A complete facial...Tauni loves those.

In the end, though, Tauni decided to accept the Phallus-Less Foursome's, within one week after the triathlon I have to get an enema/colonic.


Thank you Phallus-less Foursome! I'll be sure to send you guys the pictures.


Since this triathlon is rather far away, we had to ship our bikes last Saturday so that they would be in DC by race time. This meant we had to use these things called "tools" to do something called "disassemble" our bikes. As soon as I realized this was going to happen, I got a little nervous.

For whatever reason, I'm not super good with my hands, as it were...especially things that are all metal. Why? I don't know! Cars, bikes, weapons of mass name it...if it's all metal, I'm all thumbs!

So I showed up early to our bike disassembling party so I wouldn't be the last one done. Considering half the people taking their bikes apart were going to be women...I felt an additional sense of pressure not to be horrendously slow.

Even though I had a head start, everyone else finished unscrewing and dismantling and packing their bikes up MUCH faster than I did. I had to keep looking at what other people were doing and double and triple checking that I wasn't doing mine wrong. I just have no confidence with this type of thing and had this illogical fear that my bike was somehow going to explode if I turned the wrong screw or removed the wrong thingamabobber.

LLS folk are not like my other friends, though. Not one comment was made about me being a girl or gay or lame or stupid because I was very slow at getting my bike apart and into the shipping box. It's weird being surrounded by supportive people and not constantly ridiculed over every slight discrepancy that might show that I'm not perfect or not "a man."

What a great feeling! I can't wait to repay these pussies by blowing their slow-asses out of the water during the race. What a bunch of pansies!


Tauni said...

There is a huge difference between an enema and a colonic and I think the dare was you have to get a colonic - which is far more intrusive and embarrassing :)

Lali said...


Maccerz said...

Phallus-less? Phallus-less? I'm hurt. I'm genuinely hurt.

ann marie said...

If I was on the Nation's Tri / Pac Grove team, I totally would have called you a pussy and laughed in your face. You know you miss my acerbic wit.

FFB4MD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FFB4MD said...

What's the Difference Between a Colonic and an Enema?
From Cathy Wong, for

Colonics and enemas are therapies that both involve introducing water into the colon through to rectum in order to cleanse the colon.

But there are some key differences between colonics and enemas:
Colonics cleanse the entire length of the colon. Enemas cleanse the lower part of the colon, the sigmoid and part of the descending colon.

Colonics involve mutiple infusions of water into the colon. Enemas involve a single infusion of water into the colon.

With colonics, fecal matter leaves the body via a tube. The client does not see or smell the fecal matter during the session.

At the end of the session, the client usually sits on a toilet, and usually passes any residual water and stools.

An enema involves the one-time infusion of water. It sits in the lower part of the colon for a period of time, and then the person sits on the toilet.

Colonics must be administered by a trained colon hydrotherapist and requires professional equipment.

Enemas do not have to be administered by a professional. Disposable enema kits are available in drugstores and online.

prez said...

I just don't know how you can call the four of us phallus-less. I mean, don't you remember that time in high school when you said to us you'd buy us an ice cream sundae if we proved to you that we weren't phallus-less? And then you took us to your bike shop and we played Tarzan in the bathroom? Don't you remember? DON'T YOU REMEMBER?!?!

Tauni said...

Just when Mark was saying Maybe Darron isn't gay, you out gayed yourself. - Good job Darron!

Anonymous said...

So when is the big day? (Not the triathlon, but the colonic). I can't wait to hear all about it!

Maccerz said...

With all the excitement about the colonic, let's not forget the charity. The charity, people!

Thank you Pam for that clarification.