What did I do on my fourth...I know you've been wondering. What, oh what, could a McNastabator do? Well, I celebrated my fourth in the way my forefathers would have wanted. I got free shit.
To celebrate my freedom from tyranny, I went to the Welk Resort and was pitched buying a timeshare for a pre-promised "90 minutes." That 90 minutes turned into three hours, but that's ok...because I met one of my new favorite people in the world, Colleen.
Colleen is what people who live in a trailer park call white trash. She has, by the looks of her, been smoking for about seventy years, yet, she is only fifty. Her tan was yellow and blotchy, and she had braces. Braces. Silver braces.
I'm pretty sure metal mouth's veins stopped working some years ago...they seemed more grey than blue, and she wore nail polish that I fear Tammy Faye Baker would have found ostentatious.
The wrinkles on her face had wrinkles, which then, you guessed it, had wrinkles. It appeared that her hair, at one time, had been brown...but after so many years of store-bought coloring, it frizzed to the sides like the Scarecrow had stuck his finger in a light socket while standing in a pool of water.
Her clothes, they didn't match. Her tank top was too red, like her nails, but was also too loose. If I were a sick man, I would have been able to see both her nipples on a number of occasions...instead of the five that I chose to "take a glance."
Colleen had (or had a relative that had) done everything that Tauni and I had ever done in our lives.
I have done century rides. Her Dad's best friend growing up was Greg Lemond. They used to go bike riding together...only Greg would go much farther on the hills.
Tauni went snow boarding in Big Bear. She JUST went there, and had a "blast." It just so happens she has a timeshare there, too.
Our dream vacation is in Australia. She has been there...no wait, she hasn't....wait, she has....no, she never went. She couldn't figure out how to lie about that one. Oh yes, now she remembers. Wanting to be near her dying mother (see below) kept her on the continent...so she went to SF on vacation while her mother died instead...that way, she could be "close" to her while she passed away in San Diego.
We have a dog. So does she...TWO, in fact. Our dog is a pug, yet she had to ask "Is that a type of dog?" because she oddly didn't know. The extent of her knowledge of dogs was that she could play with the face of one of hers. She didn't know the breed (shocker)...but she did know she could stretch its face into weird shapes and sizes.
She didn't really have a way with words, either. She had trouble saying "hard" ones like "physiological" because, she claimed, "her braces got in the way." She also called "Tauni" "Tanya" fifteen times. I counted.
Don't get me wrong, she was sweet enough, as she laboriously tried to sell and resell us a time share that we were never going to buy. Her mom had just died (see above), she just had surgery, her son really needed money...she tried a lot of avenues. Alas, when we told her "no" enough times, they brought in the closer, Mike.
Mike was from Scotland, and found my logic unfathomable. He couldn't believe that I didn't want to save money. He couldn't believe that I didn't want to buy at THE Welk Resort. He was rude and insulted my mother. He punched me in the face with his words while Colleen and Tauni looked away. He had obviously attended every single one of his "hard sell" classes at Butt Fuck University, but none of it seemed to work. He left in a huff...no insult sell under his belt...and not realizing no one insults my mom except for me...what does "slunt" mean anyway?
Finally, Colleen walked us over to the office so we could pick up our free shit and wished us a Happy Fourth.
And it WAS good because not only did we walk away with $200 worth of concert tickets, two free baseball tickets, a free trip to Catalina, and free wine and wine tasting tours...I lived up to my own promise to remember every single detail about the bastards who would try to sell me something I had no intention of buying so I could blog about them later.
Mission Fucking Accomplished.