Monday, July 14, 2008

Stubbornness is Next to Stinkiness

I am a stubborn person. Not spiteful. Not vindictive. Not mean spirited. Stubborn.

Over time, I have eased up on this quality a bit, but I can hold a GRUDGE deep, deep inside my heart. I, thankfully, don't share these feelings with the people that have gotten on my shit list very often. I try, outwardly, to keep my thoughts in check. Maybe that is dishonest of me. If I confronted more of these people that have "wronged" me, perhaps I would be a more complete and/or mature person. Who wants that, though?

My dog, Maggie, on the other hand, is quite direct. I have mentioned a few times in the past how she is spiteful or leaks anal fluid out of her ass. You read that correctly. Anal fluid.

The past twenty-four hours with Maggie have been...trying. You see, we have been dog sitting another pug the past few weeks, and Maggie decided that last night, she was done being hospitable. She has been sharing her toys, room, owners, and everything else with the guest pug. But if you mess with Maggie's food, WATCH OUT! She WILL shit all over you....er...me.

***

Tauni and I decided to have Chinese food last night from the terrible, MSG and rat infested "restaurant" across the street from us. Man, that store makes so much money out of stupid convenience. We ordered chicken chow mein, and they gave us freakin' spaghetti noodles covered with teriyaki sauce. I guess we should take things like their marketing scam to drum up business as a warning that they are not really "fine dining." If you go to this Hell hole on your birthday, they will give you your age off, up to 90 years old. So, for example, if you go to this place on your 25th birthday, you get 25% off and probably kill off a couple of friends from food poisoning. Happy birthday, indeed. I can't wait to turn 91 and waltz in and DEMAND 91% off.

They also have claimed, CLAIMED, to have had "MILLIONS OF HAPPY CUSTOMERS" on their storefront window. Who are they kidding? Do you know how many customers they would have had to actually have millions of happy ones? I've done the math...it is 5.97 trillion. God, I hate them.

But, I digress.

As I was saying, we ordered food from the suck bin and ate about three bites. At that point, I am CAKED in grease and decide to take a shower. Tauni does the obvious thing...give the dog food to the dogs.

MISTAKE.

While I am in the other room, I hear Maggie finally have her mental breakdown. As the two pugs, probably the most gentle, good natured, non confrontational dogs on the planet, see the plate of food placed in front of them...Maggie attacks the guest pug, saying Bitch, you best get your paws off my food and get the F' outa my grill in Pugese.

The other Pug...about ten pounds heavier, retorts Oh no you didn't. I'm about to rip that weave out of your anal leakin' ass.

At this point, I realize that my Pugs somehow have obtained the ability to speak like stereotypically impoverished African American women (I have been watching a lot of The Shield lately, cut me some slack). I separate the dogs...and pray to god that the dog we are watching is not hurt. She's fine. I punish Maggie by putting her in her kennel, and I don't see her until about 3 PM today (no, she wasn't in there for THAT long. Tauni let her out last night before we went to bed).

Who knows what evil lurks in the mind of a pug scorned. She plotted and planned all night, and she got me back almost instantly. Maggie took a dump in front of my bathroom to remind me that (a) she is the boss and (b) nobody...NOBODY sticks her in her kennel without retribution.

***

Some things to keep in mind. Maggie is a very sweet, sweet dog, and well potty trained, but ever since the guest Pug has been here, she has done this shitting EVERYWHERE thing more and more as a way of acting out...and today, I kind of got sick of it.

So, I decide, in my "infinite wisdom:" I am leaving this shit (literally...and chuckle to myself because I find myself to be THAT clever) right here for Tauni to pick up. It really is HER dog...and SHE should take care of this.

Stubbornness. Stubbornness. I knew this was stupid and wrong, but it somehow made sense at the time. If nothing else, I guess I wanted to show Tauni where HER dog crapped and how wrong that was. Visually showing her would be so much stronger than telling...stupid stubbornness.

Yes, yes...I SHOULD have picked it up. I'm not an idiot. I SHOULD have taken care of it right away. Not only because picking it up would have been the right thing to do, but also because stubbornness and forgetfulness are a HORRIBLE combination.

***

At about 5 PM, I need to head over to my chiropractor so he can take a look at my back, and I am in the process of looking for my flip flops to wear over to his office. Ah yes, I remember...they are in the bathroom.

I walk OVER the shit that is STILL sitting right in front of my bathroom door. Man, that's gross.

Wouldn't you know it. Karma is as much of a bitch as my dog and stubbornness are times 5.97 trillion. In the what? ten seconds it takes me to go into my bathroom, get my flip flops on, and walk back out...Who forgets about the whopping pile of dung right in front of his door????

THIS GUY.

I then proceed to walk into my room, into the living room, back into my room, on some laundry, and back into the bathroom, until something strikes me:

It really smells like shit in here...and here...and here, too.

I refuse to look at the bottom of my shoes. I instead go back to where the human-sized crap WAS sitting. And it's gone. All gone. Then, and only then do I take a gander at the bottom of my flip flops and yes...I found Maggie's vindictive little gift literally staring up at me. She had eaten an eye off one of her toys, and crapped it out whole...and there it was, looking right back at me. Staring into my stubborn-ass soul.

***

At least I learned from this experience, right? I learned not to be so freaking stubborn and to just do that right thing and clean up my dog's mess, right?

Nope, I have cleaned none of the multiple shit stains up yet...because I want Tauni to see what she and Maggie made me do.

So, who wants to come over and see some egg on my face and shit on my shoes...and carpet...and bathroom...and clothes?

Not this guy.

12 comments:

FFB4MD said...

Do you always choose one of the images from the first row in your Google image searches?

McNastabator said...

What an insightful question.

McNastabator said...

I also sometimes use images from gorilla mask.

seeryanrun said...

Dude, you write a poo story like no one else, I must say.

Oh yeah, and if I ever go to your house, remind me to levitate.

McNastabator said...

If you can levitate, I'm leaving the poo there so you have a reason to use your power for good.

ann marie said...

clearly your pugs watch too much "Flavor of Love" . . .

Lali said...

I remember when you tracked poo around your house - the day you moved in - in Hayweird... LOLOLOLOL

McNastabator said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
McNastabator said...

Lali, that wasn't me. That was my friend who was helping me move in. He later also dropped my scanner down my stairs.

After helping me move in, we went down to Roundtable Pizza and got drunk of some pitchers of beer and different friend stripped down naked and covered his privates with his flip flop.

Man, I miss Hayward

Lali said...

I think you're forgetting that all of your friends were still drunk from celebrating the New Year... you did strategically plan your move on Jan. 1 after all...

It could explain the poo tracking and the dropping of the scanner... but we all know that the stripping was just another day in the life our that specific friend.

Tauni said...

Just to clarify the carpets are getting cleaned and we have had no accidents since the evil dog went home last night....

McNastabator said...

Now if I could just potty train Tauni.