Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I'll see you in Twenty Years. Twelve With Good Behavior.

This is an odd way to tell people the truth about me. Usually, this kind of thing is discovered with a head in the freezer or a stained knife in a drawer.

I am a mass murderer.

I am.

I have single-handedly killed more grandmothers, grandfathers, cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, dogs, and neighbors than Jeffrey Dahmer ever did.

By merely attending one of my English classes, the chances of one of your loved ones dying increases fold.

I don't want to believe that my students are lying to me. In fact, I always, and I mean, ALWAYS, assume that every excuse, problem, and/or sob story that my they tell me is true. It's just easier that way.

That's why I am confessing. I've created some sort of epidemic...if there is an essay due in my class: BAM, a grandmother dies. We have a quiz coming up...UH OH, bye-bye Uncle Steve. It's getting to the point where they should just ask me: When's finals week...I need to plan my dog's demise.

I guess I never thought about it when I was a student, but teachers really do hear the same excuses again and again every semester. It's rare that I hear something new...until this summer....this summer, I have had some DOOZIES:

(1) The Crapper: My papers are due the second class begins. This discourages people from waltzing into class at the end to "turn it in on time." If the paper is turned in one second late, it goes down two grades, no exceptions. Recently, I had someone turn in a paper about ten minutes after class started because he/she had to take a dump before he/she came to class. "Sorry professor, I had intestinal issues." Nice. That was a new one!

(2) The Flu-Like Symptoms: I had a student call me and leave a message that was literally un-understandable on the date of an in-class essay. I emailed him/her and let him/her know that (a)I couldn't understand the message and (b) another essay was not turned in. This person emails me back and states the he/she had the stomach flu, and on the way to school, PASSED OUT...just PASSED OUT..and somehow managed to call ME, and didn't remember calling me. WOW...I guess I'm on speed dial! A friend then had to pick this person up, take him/her home...and consequently, he/she wasn't able to come to class. Scary. That is SOME flu.

(3) The Magician: This is not really a new just has a new twist. This person claims to have missed class (and turning in an essay) because she was in the emergency room. No reason for me to say "he/she" this time...because this person was in the emergency room because of problems with her pregnancy. That's pretty serious!!! "I can't help being pregnant" she told me after returning to class the following week. Too bad I saw her on campus when she was supposedly at the hospital. Strange. How did she do that? Magic!

(4) The Half-Time Show: This person comes to class on time and finds a new reason to leave for fifteen minutes whenever we have an essay due. "I need to go get a parking permit because I left mine at home" or "I need to return a book to the library" or...wait for it... "I forgot to lock my car." Weird, the essay always comes back with this person.

I could go on and on. Maybe it's this particular crop of students, but I do have to hand it to them. They are getting more and more creative with their excuses.


This all got me thinking about what I would want someone to bring me if I were in jail. So, I thought I would make a Top Ten List:

Top Ten Things that I Would Want Brought To Me During Visiting Hours If I Were in Jail For Being a Mass Murderer

10: Cigarettes: Not to trade...but to smoke after I was raped.

9. Jessica Alba's Phone Number: Screw calling my lawyer..if I'm going to jail, I'm taking that one in one million shot that she would want to date me and giving her a call.

8. A Nail File: Nothing wrong with starting up a manicure business for all the fellas. I would call my place Chez Prison Bitch.

7. Fresh Baked Chocolate Chip Cookies: I just really like those.

6. Magazines like Home and Garden: I figure I might as well have a tidy cell to come home to every day after licking the shower floor clean with my tongue.

5. A Diary: So I could tell then sell my tale! Dear Diary: It was the best of times....It as the worst of times....Because Jimbo didn't use teeth today.

4. A Conjugal Visit with David Beckham. Whoops, I'm sorry...that's one of the Top Ten Things Darron Wants for His Birthday.

3. That Talking "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" Dog: I just think it would be cool to put a name to a face.

2. Some Barry Manilow CDs: Nothing like a little karaoke to liven up the Friday Night tradition of playing Hide the Baton.

1. All my students: So they would STILL have to turn their essays in on time.


Tauni said...

Nice, I am sure I have used a few of those in my time.

ann marie said...

I'm surprised that you didn't ask for some vaseline, lube, or opiates . . . or at least a shiv. Then maybe you wouldn't need post-rape cigarettes.

McNastabator said...

Good point, AM. I guess it's only technically rape if it is against my will.

Lali said...

A tidy cell? Let's get real - no matter how many Home and Garden mags you read, your cell will never be tidy...