Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Cujo

It's "finals" week at my school, so one of my classes got out a little early today. With the extra time, I was able to come home and spend some quality time with the famed pug: Maggie.

I know at this point everyone is well aware of Maggie's antics. Yes, yes...she poops out of spite, she leaks fluids out of comfort, and she attacks unsuspecting little girls out of PURE RAGE?

What-what-what?

OK...she has never even come close to attacking anyone...human. But the funniest thing I might have ever seen in my life happened today during our walk. I felt so bad to actually laugh out loud at a little girl, but man, she had it coming.

***

Maggie LOVES walks. She loves them. She is admittedly one of the dumbest dogs I have ever met, but if you mention the words "walk" or "park" she will instantly PERK UP and shake her butt so fast, that she has actually been contacted to be in numerous rap videos. Yeah. THAT fast.

With time to kill, I ask her the magic words: "Maggie, wanna go for a walk???" And then spend the next five minutes trying to calm her down enough to get a leash on her. Finally under control, we go outside...and she does her normal:

Five minutes of sniffing

Human-Sized Poop

Sniff Three Minutes

A gallon of pee

Sniff Sniff Sniff

Realizes she has more -- Poops Again

Sniff Sniff

Oh yeah -- Pees again.

Seriously...this is like a full day (or half day) for me...and she does it all in ten minutes. But wouldn't you know it...the second I turn us around to get us back home, a mom and her two children come up behind us. I seriously don't want to deal with them...so I pull Maggie, and try to get her to hurry up so she doesn't go over and play and/or bark at the kids.

Me: Come on, Maggie. Let's go!!!

Mere seconds away from not having to answer the same fucking questions I always get asked, she stops to pee AGAIN. Great. The mom and kids catch up to us.

Mom: What kind of dog is he?

Me: SHE'S a pug.

Mom: He's cute (Why do people always say "he" when I clearly say "she?" SHE is wearing a pink collar, too). Have you seen...what's that movie??? You know...with Will...

Me: Men in Black?

Mom: Yeah...have you seen the dog in that mov...

Me: Yeah...yeah. I've seen it.

And I am almost...almost out of this conversation when the three-year-old boy stops playing with himself (literally) just long enough to notice there is a dog right in front of him.

Little Boy: DOGGIE!!!!!

Now...this is going to go one of two ways. Maggie is going to get scared and bark her head off, or she is going to get all cute and cuddly and want to play. Surprisingly, she goes for the latter. She starts wagging her tail and slowly walking up to the boy...SUPER friendly like. He is just about to pet her when:

MOMMY...MOMMY...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. MOMMY...WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The six or seven year-old-girl who is in a stroller (why, I don't know...at that age, you gotta fucking walk, honey), literally FREAKS OUT like I have never ever, EVER seen someone freak out before. She STANDS UP in the stroller, climbs ON her mom's back...and continues to SCREAM bloody murder:

MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMY.... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... MO-O-O-O-OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Of course, Maggie continues to stare at the little boy while wagging her tail like nothing is happening. She is very good at ignoring people...requests...commands.

I look up at the mom...and start to say sorry, but she interrupts me with the understatement of the fucking year:

Mom: Sorry. My daughter. She's a little afraid of dogs.

Me: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH (on the inside)

Me: Oh really? (on the outside)

I pull Maggie away from the nearly catatonic girl...who continues to SCREAM as we cross the street, and continues to scream as we are one block away, and continues to scream, while we are TWO blocks away.

Now, I don't like to think of myself as a bad person...and obviously, this little girl has a serious phobia or has been bitten by a dog or something...but I just couldn't help laughing....and laughing...and laughing at how some girl could scream at a dog like this:

video

4 comments:

ann marie said...

It's only a matter of time before Maggie turns on you. Then we'll see who is laughing. . .

Lali said...

I had a similar incident one day when I took Buster for a walk in my complex - Buster and I rounded a corner and a grown woman started screaming and jumped up on a nearby bench... and just screamed and screamed and screamed. I started laughing and laughing and laughing. Buster was oblivious and proceeded to pee on a nearby bush. I could possibly understand her fear if Buster were 75 lbs, but he's 12 lbs... sheesh lady.

Diana K. Kelly said...

Maggie --

You GO girl! And pay no attention to silly little girls who scream for no reason . . .

P.S. Someday you need to meet Molly -- she's MUCH scarier than you!

Tauni said...

Maybe we can try and get Maggie a dog acting contract for her ability to shake her tail feather.