Saturday, July 12, 2008

Connections

It is in the thirties that we want friends. In the forties we know they won't save us any more than love did. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

(No, I'm not one of those "Quoting Dorks." I actually had to look this quote up and then cut and paste it from the website I found it on. Since I am kind of an "English Professor Dork," I then checked a couple of other websites to see if the quote was quoted exactly the same on each one. It was. So, unless they all just copying the same incorrect quote, I should be safe that this quote is right.)

His name is...no wait, that doesn't matter. I used to love him like a brother, not that I have a brother, but that's what people say...and now I can't even speak to him. There is something innately wrong with me. I know it.

I have been thinking about friendship a lot lately, and what it means to be friends with someone. Maybe it's me, maybe it's our culture, but I think I don't value my friendships as much as I should. What is important in life...my answer to that question changes daily, even hourly, when I'm trying to distract myself from a stressful moment and see the green grass.

We have all had friends based on time, location, and convenience. I like you because you're here. I am human, and I don't want to be alone. It is through my connections that I know I matter. I exist. But if I move and if the time is different, who doesn't matter anymore: me or you?

Fortunately, I am blessed. I am. I can say this person is my friend fully, completely, wholeheartedly. Time, space, convenience, don't matter. I don't feel awkward when I talk to them. I don't feel awkward when I don't.

I hate thinking I don't have time for new friends. Am I through making connections and mattering to anyone else? Will anyone else matter to me...with substance?

And what do I make of the friendships that are just puttering into space? How do I deal with pained moments: We used to laugh...What is wrong with me? Is it you?

Maybe I am supposed to save myself. Maybe it is supposed to be all "just" me. But I miss the way it was. I miss being...

Time. Space. Location.

Why even talk to him?

I don't want to be destined to be alone. Right?

Connections.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is so Debbie Downer, and I appreciate it. I think I am a "Quoting Dork." What are the signs? This blog reminds me of The Sun Also Rises--the whole second chapter where their perspectives have changed and their lives look gloomy as they hit their mid-thirties. Hmm. Stuff to think about.

gunnbr said...

Yeah--I've been thinking right along the same lines as you lately. In the past few years, I've gone from having no friends to having a ton of "friends" to discovering that people I thought were my friends have no problems screwing me over. Now I just wonder what the deal with friends is--what is a true friend? Where do I find one? Does true friendship even exist?

Anonymous said...

Here's a "true" friend for you. My best friend is someone I met in 8th grade -- over 40 years ago! Even though she's in eastern Canada and I'm in California, we still feel connected and we're always there for each other in spirit, if not in person. You don't need a lot of "friends" -- just a few "true" friends.

Mark -- the quote was great!

FFB4MD said...

Additional label: Further Evidence Mark is Gay

seeryanrun said...

You know how I know you're gay? Okay, now that we've got that out of the way, you're either bored, or something tripped your breaker. Not that I can't sympathize with the whole riddle of friendship and whether it's geographically limited or if it's just more ephemeral, sound of one hand clapping, tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear kind of stuff. I never know. I've got a friends I never would have expected and I've lost track of more than I would have thought impossible.

McNastabator said...

Darron is calling ME gay as he posts under a woman's profile.

Irony.

Ryan: My breaker went Ka-BOOM many, many years ago.