Saturday, May 10, 2008

How Larry Craig Has Changed My Life

Do you remember this guy?


Almost a year ago now, he was accused of trying to commit a lewd act in a men's room. He was at a urinal peeing, and slid his foot under a stall, tapping another man's foot, signaling that he wanted to "bone," I believe CNN reported. Unfortunately, the man's foot he tapped was an undercover officer's.

Anyway, after much political mumbo-jumbo, he later denied being gay, lewd, or anything of the like, and he also could no longer recall what happened in that bathroom. In fact, Senator Craig stated:

"...he has a wide stance when going to the bathroom" and that was why his foot may have touched the officer's.

Yeah. Silly, right?

Seriously, this incident has really cramped my style. You see, I really do have a wide stance when at a urinal...and because of Larry Craig, I am currently extremely self-conscious on how I go. My usual pattern now is that I stand with my normal stance...feet farther than shoulder-width apart until/if another man enters the public restroom. At that point, if the urinator takes the stall next to me, I heel-toe my feet MUCH closer together, in almost Footloose-esque precision.

I am going to be honest. The amount of times I have accidentally peed on myself the past year has increased dramatically. Do you have any idea how hard it is for a man to incorporate a new pee stance? I have even sometimes succumbed to the dreaded one-hand-on-the-wall lean to alleviate unwanted drippage.

So thanks, Larry Craig. Because of your antics, I now consistently walk around with soggy jockeys and/or asparagus-smelling shoes.

You may not be gay or lewd...but you sure are an asshole.

3 comments:

ann marie said...

dear mark . . .

I now know more about you than I ever wanted to know.

hearts and flowers,
ann marie

Lali said...

I just thought that you had asparagus-scented foot powder... It all makes sense (or scents ;o ) to me now...

BillS said...

OK... so I tried to piece this together and I'm still not sure what the hell you are describing because I don't think we use the men's room teh same way...
I'm pretty sure that your buddy Larry was sitting in an adjoining stall. Last time I checked unless you stood about 3 feet from the urinal your feet wouldn't be anywhere near the feet of someone sitting on a crapper.
(plus Craig slid his card under the divider and if he can reach the floor while standing at a urinal... well it boggles the mind.)
I find that so long as I extend the end of my penis from my pants that my stance has pretty much no impact on managing to avoid peeing on myself (shoes not included when intoxicated). On the other hand my penis does extend past my pants....
You say you 'heel-toe' your feet - so you put one foot's toes by the other foot's heel? Pretty much one in back of the other - hell you're probably lucky you don't twist and piss on the new guy.
Finally what the hell is the 'one-hand-on-the-wall lean to alleviate unwanted drippage' - there is the 'one-hand-on-the-wall because I'm falling down drunk and don't want to fall in the urinal' but that's an entirely different problem... (remember if you shake it more than once you're playing with it.)
I'm left thinking you need to ask your doc about a prostate exam - there's one for the 'does this make me gay' questions list :-)