Friday, May 23, 2008

Eva Longoria: The Whys

I often don't understand why people come to the defense of Eva Longoria Parker. She is a waste of space, and she ruins one of the few enjoyments I get out of life: watching basketball.

Those of you who regularly read my blog have begun to ask the obvious: Why is it you hate Eva Longoria? She is a piece of ass.

To that I of course retort: Mom, she is not really "a piece of ass" if you stop to think about it.

But I will tell you, all of you, why we should all hate her:

1. She is a glorified posse (with an "o") member. She is everywhere she is "supposed" to be as Hollywood Royalty. I remember specifically throwing a fit when in David Beckham's first game in LA...they would keep panning up into the crowd to show his wife, and who was there kicking it with Posh or Pickle or Punk Ass or whatever her name is? You guessed it: Eva Longoria. Why the hell is she friends with Pimple Spice? Posse, man. Posse (Again, use that "o").

2. She married a French basketball player. retarded is that? You know what the French are good for? Me either. Point being, she only married the guy to get face time at NBA games. I swear, ABC execs arranged this wedding so they could show her ugly mug on ABC games of the week.

3. Why is she "popular?" She is on a show called "Desperate Housewives." Honestly, I have never seen this show, but I know it sucks. How could I make such a condemnation, without trying the product? Let's just say I have also never eaten a Cheesy Double Beef Burrito from Taco Bell, taken a dump, then eaten it again. Yes,
that's gross, but so is Desperate Housewives, or as I like to call it: Regurgitated Cheesy Double Beef Burrito Excrement.

4. Let me list some of her finer movie roles. She starred in such blockbusters as: Over Her Dead Body, Hustler's Instinct, and Carlita's Secret. Have you seen any of these movies? No one has...and if they have, they have probably gone the way of Oedipus. Having sex with your own mother and watching anything with Eva Longoria Parker may be the top two reasons to poke your own eyes out.

This is what gets me, she is not a real star. She isn't....but she has somehow thrust herself into the public spotlight, and we are all supposed to love her because she is hot. Don't get me wrong, I am all for pieces of ass, but this has gone too far. Eva Longoria Parker is emblematic of what is wrong with our society...and I won't stop ranting until she admits it.


Maccerz said...

You need to find out who her publicist is and write about him or her in your blog. Eva is just a tool. The real enemy here is her annoying-as-fuck publicist.

ann marie said...

The irony here is that incessantly declaring your hatred of Eva Longoria (or as my friend Michael would say Eva LongWHORIA) is only further promoting her herostratic fame.

McNastabator said...

But in secret double dog irony, I am actually promoting Taco Bell.

Think outside the bun, Ann Marie.

prez said...

I have no beef with Eva Longoria (get it? get it? shazam!).

McNastabator said...

Not really.