Friday, April 11, 2008

Triathlon Blog #10: Triple Crown Me (Not-So-Serious Edition)

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: women fucking suck. How is it that one gender can religiously and with such flare ruin what is good and right about this world. Damn you and your boobs, women. Damn you all.

I would say, as my faithful readers already know, that I suck at swimming. This triathlon was going to be my first time in the water with A LOT of people sprinting as fast as they could to a common goal: getting the heck out of the water as fast as possible with no broken teeth, fingers, or testicles. The race directors try to help these appendages by having three waves of swimmers: elite, then men, then women.

The gun goes off and the elite swimmers take off. A few minutes later, it's my turn (as I am male) to go. I am surrounded by men who are trying to swim past me because I can't swim worth a damn. And God bless them, they were polite about it. They would go off to the side or lightly tap me to go by. I would do my part and swim to the side. Team work...and a common respect were apparent to me.

Then the women come.

Usually, I would pay extra to be scratched, groped, and pulled on by a few hundred women, but I gotta say, this is a bit distracting when trying to swim a mile in the ocean. Woman after rude-ass woman that was able to catch up to me (and this was a lot of women, mind you) would TUG on my ankles or SCRATCH my legs as they tried to pass. Seriously, if any of you somehow find my blog one day, I have the following retort for you:

FUCK YOU. Vulgar, yes...but I believe this terminology was coined for instances just like this. Did Daddy not pay enough attention to you when you were younger? Did your boyfriend screw you over? Or are you generally just a self-centered bitch? Is that why you tried to drown me? It honestly is not my fault you make 10% less coming out of college even if you have the same education and experience as I do. I have absolutely nothing to do with your menstrual cramps. I didn't make you have less muscle mass. So, in the future, if you pull on my ankles, feet, arms, or what-have-you ever again, you are getting an "accidental" kick to the face.

I swear to God, I have never gotten so beaten up in my life as during that swim. Too bad I passed most of them on the bike and the run...but they could have probably followed the trail of blood from where they scratched me.

Seriously. Wow. That swim was brutal. To put things in perspective, I was the tenth fastest runner on my team during the race...I was 48th on the swim (and there are only 69 people on the team...)!

I am going to do it again, though. If for no other reason than revenge!


seeryanrun said...

I nearly peed myself. Then I realized I am at work and not, in point of fact, wearing my wetsuit. Well said, if a bit vulgar, but yeah, chicks are mean. (At least in triathlon starts. Don't go to my blog and leave nasty comments.)

McNastabator said...

I'll just leave nasty comments for you here.

You're nasty.

McNastabator said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ann marie said...

this is exactly why I keep a razor blade in my swim cap . . . you never know when you're going to have to cut a bitch