If you want to believe me or not, the following message was left on my voicemail last night by someone who claims to be the infamous "Jason" of How to leave a message fame. Jason did not leave this message, but I will give you a hint who did:
He/She has been known to be over five hours late picking me up before without calling to say he/she would be a "tad" later than planned
He/She is good with his/her hands
I understand that the drapes match the carpet
He/She has left a package of pasta on his/her floor in the same exact spot for over a month
In response to his/her basketball coach's inquiry of why his/her performance was subpar one game, he/she responded "I ate too many meatballs, Coach."
Can you guess who this person is? If still no, maybe the contents of the message will help. I have transcribed them for your convenience:
Hey Mark, this is Jason. I really, really want you really bad. I've healed since the last time, and I'm ready for more. I think I've worked it out. I think I know how I can adjust to angles so that we dont have to wait so long in between meetings. It's kind of like a physics problem. I had my friend, who is a physicist, work it out. It involves mass; it involves manasse; it involves momentum...plus a gravity coefficient. So I think we've worked it out. So give me a call. OK? Bye
Does anyone have any guesses on who our mystery message leaver might be? Do you still need more hints...you idiots...
He/She was once bitten in the face by a dog a mere two to three seconds after exclaiming "All dogs love me." He/she required stitches.
He/She does a fantastic Marilyn Monroe impression of "Happy Birthday, Mr. President."
He/she coined the term "Nose-tradamus" as a person who has the ability to smell gas before another person has let it go.
If you still don't know, you're pathetic. But I will now give you some choices:
(a) My Mom
(b) Your Mom
(c) He Who Shall Not Be Named
(d) Eva Longoria
(e) None of the above
OK...ok...I'll just tell you. It was my mom.