Saturday, April 19, 2008

Jealousy: Thine Name is Hilarity

If you want to believe me or not, the following message was left on my voicemail last night by someone who claims to be the infamous "Jason" of How to leave a message fame. Jason did not leave this message, but I will give you a hint who did:

He/She has been known to be over five hours late picking me up before without calling to say he/she would be a "tad" later than planned

He/She is good with his/her hands

I understand that the drapes match the carpet

He/She has left a package of pasta on his/her floor in the same exact spot for over a month

and

In response to his/her basketball coach's inquiry of why his/her performance was subpar one game, he/she responded "I ate too many meatballs, Coach."

Can you guess who this person is? If still no, maybe the contents of the message will help. I have transcribed them for your convenience:

Hey Mark, this is Jason. I really, really want you really bad. I've healed since the last time, and I'm ready for more. I think I've worked it out. I think I know how I can adjust to angles so that we dont have to wait so long in between meetings. It's kind of like a physics problem. I had my friend, who is a physicist, work it out. It involves mass; it involves manasse; it involves momentum...plus a gravity coefficient. So I think we've worked it out. So give me a call. OK? Bye

Does anyone have any guesses on who our mystery message leaver might be? Do you still need more hints...you idiots...

He/She was once bitten in the face by a dog a mere two to three seconds after exclaiming "All dogs love me." He/she required stitches.

He/She does a fantastic Marilyn Monroe impression of "Happy Birthday, Mr. President."

and

He/she coined the term "Nose-tradamus" as a person who has the ability to smell gas before another person has let it go.

If you still don't know, you're pathetic. But I will now give you some choices:

(a) My Mom
(b) Your Mom
(c) He Who Shall Not Be Named
(d) Eva Longoria
(e) None of the above

OK...ok...I'll just tell you. It was my mom.

3 comments:

prez said...

I'm stumped.

McNastabator said...

Do you need MORE clues?

Anya said...

Come on now, that was a very elaborate trick. Anyone might have fallen for it...anyone? anyone?