Thursday, April 17, 2008

How to Leave a Message

I have this friend who is a little...different. He doesn't really do the whole "cellphone" thing. In fact, he prefers that you actually...(wait for it)...call his house! Keep in mind, I haven't even had a home phone for about three or four years.

Anyway, I call him yesterday, at his house, and the strangest thing happened. I didn't get voicemail. I didn't get infinite ringing. I didn't get him on the phone. I got his wife, actually...and I had to interact with her...and like leave a message and stuff with a LIVING person.

Seriously, I don't remember the last time I had the following conversation:

Me: Is Jason there?
Her: No. He isn't here right now.
Me: Oh...may I leave a message?
Her: Sure.
Me: Can you tell him "Mark" called?
Her: Yes.

Seems so simple...but I felt like an ESL student during this brief interchange. I actually had to monitor myself...and think: What do I say to a live person if I want to leave a message?

How sad is that?

So thank you, Jason. Thank you for being a tech-phobe freak of nature. Without your antisocial tendencies, I may never have had the pleasure of the speech act "Leaving a Message with a Living Person" ever again. I'm not 100% concerned that you are actually a pedophile or mass murderer because of this, by the way. No, not 100%.

Jason, I appreciate that contacting you via carrier pigeon might actually be the fastest way to speak with you. You have successfully reminded me what it is like not to be told to wait for a beep before I start talking. Seriously, why do people say "wait for the beep?" Am I an idiot? Does anyone start talking before the beep on voicemail? Do you ever hear anyone on a voice message in mid thought saying "...647...oh shit...there was a beep. What I was saying was that this is 'Bob' and my number is '278-8647.'" No. You don't.

But anyway, thank you, Jason. And if you aren't busy chopping up a dead body or wearing women's underwear, maybe we can get a beer later this week.

I'll just call and leave a message.

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