Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Dog Anal Sacs: I Couldn't Make This Shit Up if I Tried

Two titles in a row with "shit" in them...very mature.

Anyway...

Recently, Maggie, the famed pug, had a problem. Well, more to the point, I had a problem: Whenever my dog would sit on me while I was typing..a few minutes later an extremely foul smelling fish smell would start emanating from my lap.

Now, you may be thinking this is not unusual for me, but you would be wrong. Dead, foul smelling fish wrong.

I noticed this smell would usually start right when Maggie would fall asleep and make a long, slow, relaxed, moaning sound. Think of waking up and stretching after a really good night's sleep. ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. That kind of thing.

Moments later..while she would be perfectly relaxed, I would start wondering if Eva Longoria were in the room doing groin stretches (zing). I pick Maggie up, and what do I see...a huge puddle of white, goopy slime on my pants. Yes...you know EXACTLY what it looks like, don't you?

As any concerned person would do in a similarly disturbing situation, I took off my pants, went into the other room, and said the four magic words every woman wants to hear:

Tauni, smell my pants.

She did...why, I don't know. Did she think they were going to smell good? Hmmm, flowers...was that going to be a possibility? No.

When she finished gagging to the point of vurping..she kindly and gently inquired:

What in God's name is that awful fish smell?

Google, to the rescue.

We keenly put the words "Dog fish smell" and received, surprisingly, thousands of hits. Through a little research we discovered the problem:

Our dog's anal sacs needed to be...um...how do I put this...expelled. I learned this information on something actually called The Anal Sacs Page. Again, I can't make this shit up!!!

You know what this page suggested we do:

Part 1: A rag or tissue is held up to the anus and both sides of the anal area are squeezed. If the secretion is very pasty, this method may be inadequate to empty the sacs.

Part 2: A lubricated gloved finger is inserted in the anus and the sac is squeezed between thumb & forefinger into a tissue held externally. The procedure is repeated on the opposite side.

After about 1,000,000 rounds of roshambo (Ok...OK...best 200,000 out of 300,000)..we decided a vet would be our best bet. And if we ever needed something to be proud of...he let us know that our dog has, BY FAR (his words), the worst smelling anal sac fluid he has ever smelled in his life.

It's cool to be the best at something.

6 comments:

prez said...

That's truly foul. Be proud, however, that being on your lap, somehow, helped her empty her anal sacs.

BTW, in my opinion you should only use the "Darron Reference" tag when it's explicit, not when it's simply inferred.

BillS said...

Cheaper alternative to the vet: the groomer - doggie gets bath and groomer should 'handle' the mess...

McNastabator said...

What "Darron Reference?"

Lali said...

I'm speechless... really...

ppeterma said...

Tauni wasn't the only one who felt like vurping.

McNastabator said...

I don't know if I should feel proud or embarrassed that I made someone else vurp with my foul smelling dog and pants.