Friday, December 28, 2007

We Put The "S" in Fun

We all made it back, alive, with no vomit (to my knowledge). We drove and drove and drove some more to our destination: Sonic in El Centro, California for my 32nd (gulp) birthday. Much like everything in life, the journey was the story...

Throughout the week before the limo ride (with stripper pole) to Sonic, there was the typical mad frenzy of people flaking, adding, or my favorite, the ol' flake-add-flake-add-back-in. Some of my favorite excuses for NOT going were:

  1. I'm in Japan, and my girlfriend said I couldn't go.

  2. Mark? Mark Who?

  3. I'm "really, really" sick, and I really need to rest my mangina.

  4. My parents are in town and they are antisemitic and antisonic. One of those pertains to you, I think.

  5. The border patrol is holding my husband.

You think I'm lying...but you would be surprised.

Once everyone who was coming showed up, it was off to THE El Centro. This was especially surprising for one guest whose first language is Spanish...and "El Centro" means "Downtown." Once she figured out the truth, she sighed: "At least I brought my greencard."

She also passed out on the way TO THE El Centro. Anyone know the Spanish for "light weight"?

On board the limo, we played such games as:

  1. Who Can Finish the First Bottle of Jack so We Can Open the Second One and
  2. Pass The Vodka Around and Swig As Much as You Can and Don't Cheat Even If You Are Female as well as
  3. Cribbage.

There was a line for the pole, mostly because Tauni was hogging it. She lovingly became known as a "Pole Whore." I also heard someone say "That chick was born for the pole." We all have our special talents.

We also were treated to many pit stops along the way...one of which was interrupted because the Carl's Jr. somewhere between San Diego and El Centro had human feces on the bathroom floor. That was the most special present of the night...mostly because it wasn't mine.

Once at Sonic, we tried to tell our tale. Our struggle. How far we had come! The poop we saw on other establishments' floors! The staff didn 't care much about where we came from...but more of why I was trying on the trashcan covers. Here I am as Mr. Shake? I honestly am not familiar with the Sonic characters.

I also tried my hand as a hotdog. A few people were confused and tried to bite my wiener and bun...portion of my costume.

On the way home, we watched Superbad and everyone pretended like he/she didn't want to puke. We arrived safely back at home at 2:00 AM...and our seven-hour journey was complete. I went to sleep with visions of stripper poles, poop, and hotdogs swimming around my head.

So, in essence, this night was no different than any other for me.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Triathlon Blog #2: Swimming vs. Drowning

<-- That's me...at least, that's how I feel. I get in a pool, my arms rotate, my legs kick, my lungs fill and then release air...yet I slowly move through the water like fifty-pound weights were attached to my limbs, and I don't know why.

In theory, I know there has to been some rhythm or pattern, to make me more efficient, but I don't know what the hell it is. Is it arm-arm-arm-breathe-kick? How about kick-arm-arm-kick-breathe. The permutations are countless...and although I am happy I can (1) swim up and back, (2) not swallow water, and (3) not die, I am looking for a little more here.

Swimming tips appreciated, please...

And don't forget to donate to Team in Training, which is why I am even torturing myself in the first place: Helping Mark Not Drown

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Karma is a Bitch, Literally

You see here, Maggie. She's a defenseless, warm-hearted, good-natured doggie; at least, that is what she would want you to believe.

I know for a fact that although I love this dog to death, she is one of the most spiteful creatures on the planet, and that for every ounce of undying love she has to offer, at the end of the day, she will piss in your Cheerios if you cross her.

Let's take yesterday for example when my "innocent" little Pug got the better of me.


If you don't know much about Pugs other than they played that cute, little alien from Men in Black...you are missing a HUGE piece to the puzzle: they are STUBBORN.

Much like I have done a million times in the past, I let Maggie come outside with me while I got the mail. I never put a leash on her when I do this...and for 999,999 times, she walked out with me and them walked back in.

Not yesterday, though.

Yesterday, we walked out together, and when I tried to go back in the house with her, she just looked at me like: SCREW YOU, MAN. I WANT TO BE OUTSIDE.

So, I went through a number of stages to try to get her back in the house.

Step One: Outsmart the Dog

I ran into the house and shut the door. This will trick her into thinking I have left her and she will come running!

Nope...she ran half-way up the stairs to my front door and waited me out. As soon as I re-opened the doors, she ran back down.

Lesson learned: My dog is smarter than I am.

Step Two: Ignore the Dog

I went outside and pretended like she wasn't there. This was awesome for her...she stayed out of arm's reach the entire time. She ran around and had a great ol' time.

Lesson Learned: My dog is MUCH smarted than I am.

Step Three: Bribe the Dog

I then went inside and got her favorite treat. It's nasty and comes from some reak-havin' lamb. Anyway, she loves it. I broke off a piece and threw it about three feet in front of me...she came up and ate it. I then threw a piece about one foot in front of me...she ate that, too.

The moment of truth.

I then took a piece and threw it about three inches in front of me. And man, she wanted it. She kept looking at it and at me and at it again. She didn't move her hind legs...but stretched as far as she could to get her head and tongue to the food while her body stayed away from me.

Lesson Learned: My Dog is Brilliant. And I have no Patience.

Step Four: LUNGE FOR THE DOG

As soon as I saw she was going to succeed in out thinking me AGAIN, I dove for her...and she got AWAY. I took a couple more steps towards her until I FELL...LOUDLY..and ON TOP of her. She yelped...I scraped my knee...and I laughed and laughed. My freaking dog got the best of me AGAIN.

At this point, though, because she saw I was hurt, she did come up to lick me to make sure I was ok. I told you, she is filled with love. But she is also filled with something else.

***

Pug in hand, we go inside, and it's punishment time. I tell her she was bad (ha...like she cares), and I stick her in her kennel for a few minutes (yes I know that's not supposed to be a punishment place). After a few minutes I let her out...but I left her in there just long enough for her to devise her evil, evil plan.

I go into my room to do some school work and she follows me in. She sits and waits patiently...ever so patiently. Her time will come.

I finish up and take Maggie into the next room with me. And I have never done this before, but I hold her by the stomach...her head away from me and her butt basically right by my face. Did she plan this?

I walk about two steps when she gets her revenge. For the first time since I have known Maggie, not only did she pass gas, but she did it SO LOUDLY that it made a huge ripping sound...like a human...a JHGSKJHGFJHGSFLHJSGF sound. Never before has her gas ever made a peep...not even a tiny one...and I realized: She pushed. She pushed her gas out IN MY FACE.

Lesson Learned: Let the damn dog stay outside...and don't feed her lamb anymore because it somehow smells worse on the way out when expelled directly into my nasal cavity.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Where's Darron-o


Have you seen this man? He supposedly lives in Southern California...and has gone to Japan for Christmas Break. I don't believe it.

So, I instead offer...






The Top Ten Things Darron Is Probably Doing At This Very Moment.

10. Pouring wine spritzers down a prepubescent boy's body. Leave Clemens alone, Darron.

9. Surfing Ineveranswermyphone.com again.

8. Blogging under his pseudonym: Mountain Fairy.

7. Modeling for Photogenic Weekly

6. Attending an AA Meeting: Attentivenessless Anonymous

5. Starting round three of his favorite game "Hide the Bacon." (He's always "It," by the way)

4. Pre-estimating hypothetical future damage to his car.

3. Getting around to reading Procrastinators Do It Later

2. Getting his life in order. Whoops, that's part of the Top Ten Things His Girlfriend Is Doing FOR Darron Right Now.

1. Regretting that he ever got me into blogging.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Triathlon Blog #1: We've Got Spirit?

So far, so good with the triathlon training. I have stayed pretty consistent with training with two runs, two bike rides, and two swims per week, if not more.

As an added bonus, I now also have a mysterious rash in the following places:

My upper thighs,
Inside my belly button,
Between my ring and middle fingers on both my left AND right hands,
My upper right hip,
Behind my ears, and
On my neck.

This rash is also in one other place...but I'll just let you guess where that is. Fun, indeed.

Maybe this is a sign that a RASH of donations will be coming in...HA! Errr...

***

I also received the much coveted "Spirit Award" this week. I didn't receive it for a good reason, though. Basically, I got it because I suck at swimming. That was a great feeling, let me tell you.

And this week's Spirit Award goes to the one guy who simply looks like he is one second away from drowning in three-feet deep water....Mark Manasse

Thank you. Thank you. I don't know what to say about receiving such a prestigious award. I guess I should thank all the people that made this possible: my mom and dad for never getting me real swimming lessons; Islands Restaurant managers everywhere for making ridiculously delicious onion rings that are most likely responsible for about 50 of my excess pounds; and of course I can't forget about all my fellow teammates who somehow know what they are doing in the water while I "flail" (somebody actually said this to me) around in the water.

Yeah. It went something like that.

So now, I get this straw hat for a week that I need to add some sort of decoration to. Nothing quite like having to do crafts as a reward for something.

***

I'm pretty sure as long as I make it out of the water, I'll be fine. I am one of the faster runners and bikers in the group...and I have done a smaller triathlon a few years ago...but I also thought I was going to drown during that race. Hmmm...

I wonder what I win if I do drown...

Monday, December 10, 2007

Yes, I am Doing That!



A few weeks ago, Tauni asked me what I wanted to do for my birthday...I don't particularly like the day I was birthed, and so I usually just let it go.

You see, I am one of those poor, poor souls with a birthday near Christmas, and usually celebrate it with a hooker at a local bar playing "dodge the cigarette butt" whilst gazing at yellow-stained teeth, if I'm lucky. Sometimes...they aint got no teeth...more room to put the cigarettes, I guess.

But, back to my birthday.

This year, I decided that I WOULD like to do something, and so I, of course, decided that I would like to take a limo ride to and from Sonic in El Centro. This will be about 200 miles round trip.

Why? Why am I doing that?

Well, I have been watching Sonic commercials for about a year now...and you know what, there are NO SONICS IN SAN DIEGO...and the closest one happens to be in the bustling metropolis of El Centro...think of Oakland with more dirt and less sophistication.

So, why not go there, but go there in style...dressed up, in a limo, with some friends that still happen to be in town...heck, I can still invite the toothless hookers...I'm sure they might like a burger, too. And they really have stuck by me all these years.

So this is how I will spend my 32nd birthday. I'll let you know how it goes...just a few weeks to go.