Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Karma is a Bitch, Literally

You see here, Maggie. She's a defenseless, warm-hearted, good-natured doggie; at least, that is what she would want you to believe.

I know for a fact that although I love this dog to death, she is one of the most spiteful creatures on the planet, and that for every ounce of undying love she has to offer, at the end of the day, she will piss in your Cheerios if you cross her.

Let's take yesterday for example when my "innocent" little Pug got the better of me.


If you don't know much about Pugs other than they played that cute, little alien from Men in Black...you are missing a HUGE piece to the puzzle: they are STUBBORN.

Much like I have done a million times in the past, I let Maggie come outside with me while I got the mail. I never put a leash on her when I do this...and for 999,999 times, she walked out with me and them walked back in.

Not yesterday, though.

Yesterday, we walked out together, and when I tried to go back in the house with her, she just looked at me like: SCREW YOU, MAN. I WANT TO BE OUTSIDE.

So, I went through a number of stages to try to get her back in the house.

Step One: Outsmart the Dog

I ran into the house and shut the door. This will trick her into thinking I have left her and she will come running!

Nope...she ran half-way up the stairs to my front door and waited me out. As soon as I re-opened the doors, she ran back down.

Lesson learned: My dog is smarter than I am.

Step Two: Ignore the Dog

I went outside and pretended like she wasn't there. This was awesome for her...she stayed out of arm's reach the entire time. She ran around and had a great ol' time.

Lesson Learned: My dog is MUCH smarted than I am.

Step Three: Bribe the Dog

I then went inside and got her favorite treat. It's nasty and comes from some reak-havin' lamb. Anyway, she loves it. I broke off a piece and threw it about three feet in front of me...she came up and ate it. I then threw a piece about one foot in front of me...she ate that, too.

The moment of truth.

I then took a piece and threw it about three inches in front of me. And man, she wanted it. She kept looking at it and at me and at it again. She didn't move her hind legs...but stretched as far as she could to get her head and tongue to the food while her body stayed away from me.

Lesson Learned: My Dog is Brilliant. And I have no Patience.

Step Four: LUNGE FOR THE DOG

As soon as I saw she was going to succeed in out thinking me AGAIN, I dove for her...and she got AWAY. I took a couple more steps towards her until I FELL...LOUDLY..and ON TOP of her. She yelped...I scraped my knee...and I laughed and laughed. My freaking dog got the best of me AGAIN.

At this point, though, because she saw I was hurt, she did come up to lick me to make sure I was ok. I told you, she is filled with love. But she is also filled with something else.

***

Pug in hand, we go inside, and it's punishment time. I tell her she was bad (ha...like she cares), and I stick her in her kennel for a few minutes (yes I know that's not supposed to be a punishment place). After a few minutes I let her out...but I left her in there just long enough for her to devise her evil, evil plan.

I go into my room to do some school work and she follows me in. She sits and waits patiently...ever so patiently. Her time will come.

I finish up and take Maggie into the next room with me. And I have never done this before, but I hold her by the stomach...her head away from me and her butt basically right by my face. Did she plan this?

I walk about two steps when she gets her revenge. For the first time since I have known Maggie, not only did she pass gas, but she did it SO LOUDLY that it made a huge ripping sound...like a human...a JHGSKJHGFJHGSFLHJSGF sound. Never before has her gas ever made a peep...not even a tiny one...and I realized: She pushed. She pushed her gas out IN MY FACE.

Lesson Learned: Let the damn dog stay outside...and don't feed her lamb anymore because it somehow smells worse on the way out when expelled directly into my nasal cavity.

5 comments:

Chris said...

Yeah, Karma is a bitch. If you want to get back at her, have someone feed you steak and then go for a short car ride. She'll be crying uncle in no time. Her uncle RRAALLPPHH!

Middento said...

This sounds exactly like what I need to do to get my son inside. Perhaps you can babysit for us after all.

prez said...

Let her bite into your upper lip, causing you to get stitches and a scar for the rest of your life, then wait for your blood's poison to slowly work its way through her body until... wait a second, Clemens doesn't read this blog, does he?

McNastabator said...

Can Clemens read?

BillS said...

SO many thoughts such a small form...

"her butt basically right by my face."
- If you aren't looking for a management job, why did you assume the middle manager position?

- Lesson 1 - If you put your nose there someone will fill it :-)