Wednesday, September 20, 2006

The Kings of Myspace - Myspace Rap Video

Darron and I will so be doing this stuff next year.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

How do I turn this "thing" on?

So if you recall, I had a new roommate move in about three months ago. He really is a GREAT guy. Super friendly. Keeps to himself. Wears purple thongs. You know...normal stuff.

Earlier today, the unthinkable happened. Granted, I am not the world's cleanest person, and, in fact, I might be considered "filthy" or "dirty" or "unkempt" by some. Fuck you guys, anyway.

But I digress.

As I was saying, I walked out of my room...and the roommate was standing in front of the DISHWASHER of all things...and plates, which had previously been stacking up in the sink, were now INSIDE said dishwasher. This was incredible to me because the guy literally has not cleaned ANYTHING in THREE months. Nothing. Not one thing. NADA. ZIP. I was in shock. Cool...my ploy worked. He actually will clean stuff if I stop cleaning up after him!

I walk past the kitchen on my way out the front door, but am stopped by a plea for help. Seriously, I AM NOT making ANY of this up.

Roommate: Hey, how do you turn this thing on?

Honestly, I don't think he knows that it is called a "dishwasher." Truly. I don't. And even though it was the start of the conversation...I had to pause. My dishwasher has six, count them, SIX buttons on it. All of the buttons have odd hieroglyphics that I like to call "words" on top of them. One of the buttons has the weird marking "Start" right above it.

Me in my brain: Gee, I don't know. MAYBE YOU HIT THE START BUTTON?

Me out loud: Well...you just hit that button (pointing to "start") right there.

Roommate: Oh...I see. So, do you have any soap?

Keep in mind, when I walked into the room, I had found the roommate standing befuddled, looking with a great deal of consternation at the front of a CLOSED-dishwasher door. I had of course hidden the dishwasher soap as well as I could...a mere five inches away in the cabinet under the sink. I guess I could keep my porn in any cleaning product area.

Me in my brain: Wow. He was going to "do the dishes" without any soap. That's pretty ingenious.

Me out loud: Yeah. The soap is right here (opening up the cabinet door).

To his credit, there were TWO containers of detergent under the sink...and he happened to pick the one that had never been opened. So I really shouldn't blame him when he, without opening the cap, turned the liquid soap upside down and nothing came out and said:

Roommate: How do you make this work?

Me in my brain: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Me out loud: Um...you need to open the cap.

Still nothing comes out.

Roommate: This isn't working. (Obviously getting frustrated)

Me in my brain: Am I really havin this conversation?

Me out loud: ______, I think that one hasn't been opened yet. Maybe you could use the other bottle (I politely point to the other bottle of detergent) .

I figure at this point, my need to "supervise" this obviously complicated endeavor had ended. I was wrong.

As I'm sure most of you know, a dishwasher has two areas to add soap...the pre-wash and post-wash area. The post-wash area has a little door to release more soap at just the right time in the mystical world of the dishwashing cycle.

The roommate only puts soap in the post-wash area AND doesn't close the little door.

Me in my brain: Wow.

Me out loud: Maybe you could add a little soap there (pointing to the pre-wash area) .

Roommate: Where?

Me in my brain: Holy shit.

Me out loud: Hmmm...right there (I re-point to the same area).

Roommate: Oh...got it. (He starts to close the door).

Me in my brain: Man...I am so writing about this later.

Me out loud: ________, you need to close that little mini-door. That keeps some keeps some soap for later in the cycle.

Roommate: Wow. Really?

Me in my brain: Darron is going to love this.

Me out loud: Yup. Pretty crazy, huh?

He then closed the door, and again pondered over the buttons. I wait for about fifteen seconds.

Me in my brain: JUST HIT START!

Me out loud: Yeah...just hit that one (point to start AGAIN) right there.

And BAM...the dishes were washed. Never mind the fact that the rest of the kitchen is covered with grease from the numerous food he fries with an uncovered frying pan. Nope...he didn't wipe down any of the counters. Stove, untouched. Walls, CAKED with grease. After cleaning these things up for him EVERY WEEK...he still doesn't get it. So, now I just leave it.

Also, this pan he uses, he keeps putting directly on my counter top when he is done...and he has completely burned the counter. I have tried wiping the counter off, but the staining/burning has SET in. To try to rectify this problem, every time I have cleaned the kitchen since he has lived here, I put a towel under his pan so that he stains the towel and not the counter. He keeps throwing the towel away within days of me doing it.

You may be wondering why I havent communicated any of these issues to him? I don't know. At this point, I am actually pretty fascinated by the entire thing...and I want to see where this ends.

Strangely, since I have stopped cleaning up after to him...I came home to:

"You know...if you want to go in on a house cleaner together...we could totally split the cost."

tonight.

NO...I would rather live in filth. I'll show you!

Monday, September 18, 2006

Huge Jugs

I wonder how many people searching for porn on the internet will find this post? I wonder. I wonder.

Anyway, I admittedly am VERY tired, so this will be brief. I didn't sleep at all last night. I was tossing. I was turning. I was tossing and turning all night. Hey, that's catchy. "They" should make a song.

Some was mental. A lot was physical. YEAH BABY. Is your imagination aroused? My back hurt. No more. No less.

I signed papers to sell my house this afternoon. Kind of sad in a way. I just signed a big piece of my history over to some guy named Jose. I wonder if he likes pandas?

I had five people ask me about my love life today. I had no response. Why don't we ask people about their "doing it" life. Then I might have had some things to say. They would have been lies...but at least I would have said something.

I have this great running metaphor that I have written. In my head. I actually recite it every time I go running and think to myself "Self...you should really write that down. That's pretty good."

I never write it down.

And lastly:

I ran into my next door neighbor today. Not literally. I have lived next door to her for over a year and a half...and in that time, I have spoken to her for about maybe 10 total minutes. Today, I spoke to her for about 30.

Near the end of our conversation...I had to do it. I just had to.

Me: So...I've been wanting to apologize to you for about six months now about something.

Jen: What did you do?

Me: Nothing really. I just wanted to apologize for disturbing you when I used to fight with my ex-girlfriend. I heard you close your sliding glass door sometimes when we were arguing. I was pretty embarrassed about that. Sorry.

Jen: You fought with your ex-girlfriend? That chick with the Volvo?

Me: Yeah...repeatedly. Loudly. Sorry.

Jen: I never heard you.

Me: What?

Jen: I only close my sliding glass door when my boyfriend and I are doing it in the living room.


I really should have asked her about her "doing it" life...could have saved myself some time on pointless apologies.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

First YouTube now Wikipedia

Darron and I are moving up in the cyberworld of no one really cares-ness

Wikipedia Studs

Look at the marketing history!

Friday, September 08, 2006

Darron is Like My Sister

I have known him for as long as I can remember, and we have never made out.

How about that blog off?



Free Time: Reflections Therein

I did a lot with the past two maybe three hours of my life. While most of the world was working, watching, waiting, wanting five o'clock...I was sitting around. But was I doing nothing?

My current life schedule makes Friday afternoon the start of a long weekend for me. I only work until 12:15...and as I was driving home today, I started wondering about what I could do with my afternoon.

Well, I got some lunch and turned on ESPN. Not a bad gig. A little relaxation before I got down to the nitty gritty of my new found free time. Who knew what the afternoon would hold.

Lucky me. Since I work Tuesday nights, and have to miss Tuesday night poker on ESPN...I got to watch the repeat. There went an hour.

OK...2 PM. Not too late. Still plenty of time to do something meaningful. From what I understand, there really isnt a cure for cancer yet. Maybe I could do something about that.

Well, I hadn't checked my email since the morning, so I HAD TO do that before I did anything else...and that wasn't a good idea. That got me sucked in to going on myspace...and my mission for the afternoon: finding people I used to know, and seeing if they had a myspace account.

Searching, searching, and searching some more, I found a few people...and became so obsessed that I pulled out my senior yearbook to find people from it to see if they too were on myspace. I hadn't looked at my yearbook in probably 8 years or so.

And you know what I learned? You know why I am posting this message? I miss signing yearbooks. For twelve school years of my life, I got to sign and read yearbooks every June...and I haven't gotten to do that in ten years now. I miss that. What don't we have yearbook signings in the adult world? Do we no longer like marking the passing of another year? Another ten pounds?

I say we start an adult yearbook club. Since working in an office is like going to high school anyway, why not throw in the final piece and have a yearly tribute and sign funny little quips in each others' yearlies:

C U next s......exual harassment meeting

KIT, but not too close, or I will have to sue you

or

Friends 4 Ever (until you pass me up for a promotion)

Since I still work at a school, it wouldn't be all that hard for me to do this. But that would take effort, and it is hard to spend my free time doing anything meaningful these days.

Until next we meet.....

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Norton Antivirus Sucks My Wiener

OK, that's a little graphic, but if ever a time were born to use such a vulgarity, that time is now.

For months, I have been having terrible problems with my computer when trying to use certain functions. I came to realize that most of my problems centered around Norton Antivirus.

I can't listen to songs on Napster? Who cares!

I can't shut down my computer in under five minutes? That's cool.

My arm randomly convulses and hits people in the mouth? NORTON!!!!

But...today, after about (gulp) six months of ignoring: I decided to take action. I uninstalled Norton and my computer is running like Darron from commitment: fast and furiously.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Life is great when a problem once ignored for half a year has been solved.

Here's to procrastination!

Now, about my 2004 taxes.........

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Good Things Come In Large Packages

In class today, I was working on perfect modals.

So not to bore you, that means phrases like "could have been" or "should have played" etc and so on.

This was my first time going to a class that had been meeting for a few weeks. I had to miss the first few weeks because of a conflict at another school.

Anyway, I'm a pretty friendly guy, and a couple of the students in this class I have had previously, so I am sure they told the other students "This guy is nice/friendly/funny" etc.

So the students are guessing where I could have been because I was gone. They then followed this up with what I should have been doing.

For example:

Mark could have been gambling in Las Vegas. He should have been teaching English.

One of the last groups says:

Mark could have been drinking alcohol. He should have been losing weight.

Sigh.