Monday, December 04, 2006

7 Days

I don't write this to be snide. I don't. But I'm not me, and I haven't been for awhile now. Seven days, as a matter of fact. The me I have become isn't the me I want to be. But this is me.

I got sick seven days ago, and it made me realize something. My life is out of control. And so am I. The things I do and the reasons I do them became unraveled when I altered my state of self neglect. I took the time to notice in between not sleeping and hacking up my insides, pouring them out with gusto. Regularity. In a way, becoming more aware of my breath and what it is I am.

When actions like "breathing" and "sleeping" were taken away from me the past seven days, I realized during my insomniac-haze that life is floating by. I am immersed in my own shit, like everyone else, surrounded by what I think my day entails. I am a moron.

Who am I to think that my life, my actions, and more importantly, that my inactions matter to anything outside my clouded fog of aimless lofting? Who am I to think that being sick changes anything, anyone, anytime? Who am I?

***And this is where I really go out there***

For seven days I have often wondered
Why my medicine-induced lack of slumber
Refused to take me out or under
Help me sleep
Help me breathe
Help me be
Help me, please.

***I'm back***

For seven days, everything has seemed insurmountably large and overwhelming. I look at stairs with spite and hate. I can feel my temples when I talk. Last night I dreamed that I was suffocating.

Thank God I am an optimist.

That is who I am.

4 comments:

kristen said...

Such a happy blog! :)

McNastabator said...

IT IS HAPPY

prez said...

Hurray for the 100th blog!

McNastabator said...

Happy birthday to my blog
Happy birthday to my blog
Happy birthday to my blo-og
Happy birthday (meaning there have been 100 of them) to my blog.