The past week or so of my life has been incredible, and I'm not sure why...besides the fact that I practice low drama. I'll explain what I mean.
In my life, in my history, in my being of being this being....I have found time and time again that my decision making processes revolve around keeping it simple. That has not always been the case...and I have one person to truly thank for this gift. It's the person that, relationship-wise, hurt me the most.
In my 20's, I dated a girl named Natalie. And I can say, with a fair deal of certainty, that she fucked me over. I'm not complaining...but it's true. In that scenario...I was the buttocks, she was the rapist. I was bent. She did her thing. For years, I lived through the drama of being at the mercy of another person's psychological problems.
Yeah. She fucked me.
I have fucked other people. Such is life.
But life is nothing if not a huge scientific experiment...one in which the only times I become agitated are when I (1) think there is a RIGHT way to go about performing the experiment and (2) let the crazies in.
When I combine my aforementioned mathematical anomalies together, the two at the same time, my experiment blows up in my face. I become distant, despondent, disillusioned. Damn.
But it's times like tonight when I pick and am piqued at the interworkings of this fucked up existence and decide that I'm not doing half bad...and one of the main reasons I like who I am and where I am going is because some chick I dated ten years ago let me know that this experiment is so completely out of my control that I might as well become an English major so as to be able to try and express why I am flailing about so miserably, yet happily...that I am able to conclude the following:
Tonight, months after breaking up with my last girlfriend, who I can again honestly say I cared very, very deeply about, that all things being equal: at the end of the day, I just don't like a lot of drama, and if I am honest about that fact with myself, let alone the entire human race, then one shouldn't be shocked at the abrupt end of acid and base being flung at each other.
And this, and all it's glory, is what Darron is drudging up in my subconscious because of his God- Damned book he is making me write:
It's the Missouri-able people, and all their paranoia, that make it so much fun. It's the rest of us that deal with the mess.
And if you read this, and even for a second think you have the slightest idea what it means, start again. The answer is inside the mixture...and you don't even have all the materials. It's the egocentric voice in your head calling again. It's telling you that you matter. Pick up. It's for you.
Not this time. This time...it's for me...
...and thank you for all the material.